Friday, 7/16:

I wanted to get this down while it's fresh in my head... Things have been rough.  Mark's been in the hospital since last Friday - he had his hernia fixed and he's so weak.  Not because of the surgery so much, although I'm sure that impacted it somewhat.  He was weak before that and has been for several weeks.  Anyway, they want him to go into rehab and get stronger and he's been resisting that, and the thought of him coming home the way he is is terrifying.  So I've been furious that he's uncooperative, scared about what the near future holds, and worried about all his health woes.  All bad emotions that can weigh heavily on MY health.  Add to all of that... Pearl has a bad eye ulcer that requires me to take her to the vet 3 times a day for eye meds because I can't do it all by myself.  Lots of pressure!!

Well, I have to backtrack a little.  I believe in signs.  I believe our passed-on loved ones send us messages through signs.  And Wes has managed, over the years, to find different ways to send me signs.  (I'm pretty sure it's Wes, or it could be my "collective" soul mates - I'm not 100% clear how it all works, I just know it DOES!)  The signs he's been sending me the last few months have been with triple numbers on license plates.  It started the day Mom and I went to see my oncologist about having a hysterectomy.  When we left the parking lot at his office, we passed a car with 666 on the license plate.  I said, "Look, 666!" and thought to myself, that might not be a good sign!!  And within a minute, we passed another car that had 777!  I felt like that was a "no, no, no, everything is FINE!!"  (Seven is my favorite number.) Then, on the way home, we passed a car that had 222.  That sealed it for me - seeing the triple numbers was a good sign!

 Ever since then, every time I feel a little overwhelmed or upset about something (and you know how it is - it seems like these thoughts take over when you're in the car and your mind is free of other thoughts...), I would see a plate with triple numbers. 

 Well, tonight, after a day that went like this:

8:00 vets office

9:00 hospital

2:00 vets office

2:45 hospital

5:30 home, fix dinner

7:00 vets office

...I'm on my way home from the vets office, Pearl crying and crying as she does ALL the way there and ALL the way home, knowing I still have to give her pain meds when I get home after she eats... I'm thinking about the triple numbers I've been seeing lately and actually said outloud, "How much longer is this going to go on?  Wes, I could really use a sign that it's all going to be ok..." and a car with 000 pulled into the lane next to me off another street.  I said, "Wow, now that was awesome!!  How can you be this good at this?"  And just then, the car in front of me pulled into the left turn lane and the car in front of him was 888! Now, try to tell me these were not signs!!!

More tomorrow... 

Thursday, July 29th...

Yeah, tomorrow, right!  THAT didn't work out!  But since that post, I had TWO other times that basically the same thing happened!  Seriously... right down to two triple number plates in a row!  And on top of that, coins from my Dad.  Long story, but back after he passed in 2004, and my brother was back helping clean up his affairs, and when he was staying with Mom, they kept encountering coins on the front stoop.  So coins are my Dad's form of communication.  Well, 3 pennies showed up on the little brick wall by the driveway.  I left them there to remind me that Dad is watching over me as well.

Anyway, here's where we are now.  Mark's been in a nursing/rehab facility since the 16th, so 11 days.  We were hoping he would get strong enough to come home, but it's not looking good for that to happen anytime soon.  And his Medicare will end in about 10 days, so we're applying for him to go on Medicaid.  That means his SS and pension will go to the facility until he comes home or... well, until he transitions.  The whole money thing seems insignificant compared to what he's going through right now.  I hate that this is so hard for him, but I'm trying to keep in mind that this is HIS journey, and if he CAN get better and come home, he has to decide it's worth the work.  And if he is ready to move on, that's his decision as well. All I can do is be supportive, love him, and pray for comfort, ease, peace.  That's all I want for him...

And while all of this is going on, I thank my lucky stars for friends and family.  Mom is so worried about me and I don't know how to assure her I'll be fine. I don't want HER worry about ME taking a toll on her health!  

So it's time for bed.  Thankfully, Pearl does not hate me - that's another story entirely!  She has an eye ulcer that came on the DAY BEFORE all of this started with Mark!  And we have two more weeks of eye drops...  Good night world!