And now Mark has pneumonia.  Not good for someone with lung issues.  Of course, I'm very worried.  He's so weak and so terribly thin... And he's on 14 day quarantine, and that's on top of the fact that they aren't letting anyone in for visits right now because one of their staff tested positive for Covid.  It's just a terrible time to end up in a nursing facility...

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I started that first paragraph on Saturday (the 4th) and didn't get far.  I was with Mom, Merry and Tim Pierson, having brunch, when I got word that Mark had pneumonia.  (We hadn't seen Tim in... well, probably at least 30 years and maybe a lot more than that!)  Sunday, Mark called me 4 times, always sounding confused and just weak.  Mostly wanting me to call for someone to help him.  Monday morning, he called me at about 7:30 and I could only understand about 10% of what he was saying, but I gathered that he thought he had lost his glasses in a warehouse.  He was obviously not really "there"...  I felt so awful, but assured him that we would either find them or get new glasses.  I waited by the phone, thinking that it felt like the end was near and expecting "that" phone call.  I finally called them at about 10:00 or so and asked for an update on his condition.  Whoever answered went to get the charge nurse - only the charge nurse can talk about specifics, I had learned.  After awhile, she came back and said she couldn't find her, that she would have her call as soon as she did find her.

At just a few minutes before 11 a.m., Marlene, the lady I'd been dealing with in the social services office, called me to tell me Mark had passed a few minutes before.  That they had found him with shallow breathing and called 911 to get an ambulance there, but by the time they got there, he had stopped breathing.  They tried to revive him but were unable to.  I wish he had had a DNR in place - his body was so weak, he never would have had a chance so why put him through that??  But I assume if there is no DNR, they have to do that.  It breaks my heart to think his spirit may have been confused by that.  I hope the spirit understands the human need to stop the "death" process...

It was both a huge sense of relief (to know he wasn't struggling so hard, experiencing such misery...) and an overwhelming sense of sadness (to know I would never hear his voice, see his face, be totally annoyed by his personality quirks!!!) After I calmed down, I called Mom and went down to Plattsmouth and we spent the afternoon out at Merry's, where I was able to talk, be distracted, etc...It was the exact thing I needed, and I was able to come home and be relatively calm that evening.  Oh, of course I was emotional, but it was manageable.  And I slept like the dead that night!  It made me realize how terribly worried and tense I've been for the last several months.  

Tuesday night was a little more restless.  It wasn't that my mind was working OT like you would think.  I was clear, I was not overwhelmed with emotion or grief, I was just AWAKE.  I thought maybe a smell was keeping me awake.  I was worried it might be gas, so I checked the stove... went outside about midnight and sat on the front porch for a few minutes clearing my "nose" and then came back in... No gas smell.  So I went to try the bed (I always start out sleeping in the chair, then to the bed around 2 am...)  Nope, still couldn't sleep.  But it wasn't that "I NEED to sleep, SLEEP damn it!" kind of feeling.  Just an "I'm awake" kind of feeling.  So about 3 am, I went back to my chair and konked out, slept hard until about 7:30.  And I was fine...  Later, I wondered if all the "weepiness"  had maybe cleared out my sinuses, which made me smell things that are always there and I just don't notice them because I'm usually - well, a little stuffy!  LOL.  And I could tell I had a Hoya blooming, too, so that was an added a scent that usually isn't there...

Anyway, so now it's almost 11 pm on Thursday, so this is day 3 of being a "widow."  It's still hard to digest that I won't see his scruffy face again... I get weepy at the weirdest things.  I brought home his "stuff" from the nursing home yesterday.  Wow, that really wreaked havoc on my emotions!  But as soon as I was done going through the stuff, I was ok.  I just hope he isn't mad at me for being where he was... I think, maybe if they had sent him to the hospital sooner, maybe he could have survived the pneumonia.  But then I think, to what end?  More of the same in the nursing home?  Could he have ever gotten well enough to come home?  I seriously doubt it, and months or years in that place would not have been living.  I loved him enough to wish that it could be over - that he could be released into source, the universe, to God, however you want to "define" it.  To go to "what's next" and be with all those loved ones who are waiting for him.  To see all our precious pets... Smokey Bear, Remo and Lucy (our three shepherds), Skippy (his childhood dog), Bella (the kitty who slept with him every night for many years). To wait for me. 

So I talk to him.  I've seen signs.  I figure our greatest connection was through music and that is surly how he will communicate to me.  And that first day, when I was on my way home from my sister's house, I turned the radio to Mark's favorite station and the song that was playing... "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Well, guess what?  That was the song that I've used for years as HIS ring tone on my phone!  

And with that, I'm off to bed.  More later - probably next week.  I have a crazy weekend... which is good - distraction!