Another year...

Well, another year has gone by... I turned 67 this week.  Where has the time gone?! It just flies by SO fast!  I said it in another recent post - getting older seems to evoke memories of good times, tough times, makes you think about the road taken and sometimes, the road not taken.  I think that when you are in a good place in your life, you don't have a lot of regrets, and that's where I am.  But you still wonder how different your life might have been IF... 

There were times over the years when I'd wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't divorced my first husband, Paul.  He was ambitious and helpful, two qualities Mark didn't really possess.  Oh, Mark worked hard (I think) when he worked, but he was perfectly happy to be laid off and do absolutely nothing.  He never tried to take advantage of his stretches of no work by "getting things done."  He was perfectly content to be a slug, not even lifting a hand when he wasn't working and I was.  I likely would have been more financially secure had I stayed put.  But money does not equal happiness...

Paul grew up in a very religious home, and this aspect of his life was just part of who he was (and is).  I, on the other hand, grew up with a mother who was always in search of "the truth", and that did not necessarily mean traditional religion.  She did go through that phase of trying out different churches and their interpretations of the Bible.  And we (meaning me, my brother and sister) went along for the ride as children.  So I had a good working knowledge of what the Bible said, and to be perfectly frank, it always seemed like "the big lie" to me. Not that it doesn't have a lot of good stories that have value, but the directional part of it seemed completely out of sync with what my heart was telling me "God" is all about.  So we were never on the same page about that.  But when I was young (I was 18 when we married), I went along with his need to be part of a church... it never felt "good" to me.  When I got to be in my mid-twenties, I started to feel the need to be autonomous and didn't want to "play along" anymore.  

And that's when we split.  One regret I have is that I couldn't bring myself to be honest about why... I knew that if I told him this biggest reason for leaving, he probably would have left his church to appease me.  It's who he was.  He was so afraid of being alone, he would have sacrificed his own happiness (even his "soul") to keep me.  This is not a testimonial to how great I was - it's only an illustration of how dependent he was.  I remember a few years after we split, Mom confessed to me that he visited her after I moved out, trying to get her to push me to come back.  When she refused to get involved, he told her, "If she doesn't come back, I'll just find someone else to marry as I can legally."  Of course, this revelation gave me an "aha" moment... We got together when I was 17 right after his first wife (who he married when he was almost 18 and she was barely 16...) filed for divorce after only 6 months of marriage.  I was his "next warm body."  Oh boy, does that make a girl feel special! 

Paul and I were married for 8 years, and they were good years for the most part.  But I matured and I needed more freedom to have my own interests, my own friends.  Paul yearned for what his grandparents had - the kind of relationship where we did EVERYthing together, spending every minute together, lots of PDAs...  And all of this was nice when I was 18.  But by the time I was 25, I felt smothered.  But how do you tell someone who's just trying to be loving to "back off"?  It sounds cruel.  I couldn't be that directly cruel, but I think not being clear was another kind of cruel, and I regret that.  I guess I thought that I may not be strong enough to be firm if he offered to "change".  I didn't want him to change.  He needed to be with someone who would appreciate who he was.  And I guess this is why 18 is probably really too young to marry.  I thought I was very mature, and in most ways, I was.  But what I didn't realize is how much I would change over the next few years...

One thing that he did (before he left the Air Force) was have a vasectomy.  "We" decided when we were dating that we didn't want kids.  So this was the next step so I could get off the pill.  Looking back, I realize he did this for me.  After he married his 3rd wife, he got his vasectomy reversed (he and my brother were still close and that's how I heard about it.)  At first, I thought "Well, of course his new wife wants kids..."  But it got me thinking.  When we were dating in high school, his mom was babysitting several kids.  Paul was really good with the kids, and he was even good with babies.  I'd bet my bottom dollar that he only went along with my desire not to have kids to appease me.  I bet he really did always want children.  They weren't able to conceive their own, but they did adopt a son eventually.  And though I wish that they had been able to have one (or more) of their own, I'm glad he got to have the experience of parenthood because I think he probably was a good dad...  And that would have been something he never experienced had we stayed together.

Even though my marriage to Mark was far from perfect, and I bitched a lot about his shortcomings, it allowed me to "find myself".  I always hated that phrase, but I get what it means.  I just wish there was a different way of saying it because it sounds trite.  What it means to me is I was able to find my individuality, free of another person.  Mark was very independent, never jealous, never needed affirmation or ego-boosting.  He let me do what I enjoyed, spend time with friends or family as I wanted, never complained that we didn't do enough together.  We didn't have a lot of common interests, and maybe it would have been nice to have a few more, but it helped me find my own way to happiness that didn't depend on someone else.  

We weren't that lovey-dovey couple, but our love was more like monogamous best friends (with benefits of course) with our own lives.  Our communication was good - we talked a lot about work, our interests (his golfing and my plant obsession), our common interests (music, politics, current events, life...) So even though our lives didn't cross over in a lot of areas, we always came together at the end of the day for conversation.  

So what this life created for me was a sense of confidence and self-awareness that I probably wouldn't have had if I'd stayed married to Paul because our lives would have been much more intertwined.  When Mark died, I had no problem going on alone.  If we had a more traditional marriage, lives more entangled and more dependent on each other, I probably would have felt more "lost".  After he died, I made it a point to tell him (yes, I still talk to him) I appreciated the fact that he had a hand in how strong I felt in looking ahead and seeing a future alone.  I have felt no need to pursue a new relationship because I'm just fine on my own.  I'm happy where I am...

Another "road not taken" was a higher education.  When Paul went into the Air Force, the plan was for him to get an associate degree and then I would get some college, what we could afford, after he got out.  My parents couldn't afford to help with tuition, so I would have to take a class at a time, while working.  Well, Paul was just getting settled in a great job with OPPD (our power company) when we split.  I took a few classes over the next few years - some writing classes, an accounting class and some other business classes.  Other than the writing classes, it was mostly drudgery in my mind, more or less like school had been.  But I think I did pretty damn good without a formal degree.  I worked office jobs, everything from clerical work to administrative.  I worked as a full-charge bookkeeper and eventually office manager at an HVAC company.  

And all of that experience served me well when I came into Mom's catering and party venue business.  After about 10 years of helping her grow the business (I had better business acumen, but she was the better "people person"), and working for a lot less than I was making with the HVAC company, she gave me half the business including half the property.  It was hard earned - I was grateful that Mark had gotten into the union and was making a good living so that I could afford to work for less as the business grew.  And by the time we sold the business 11 years later, the property values had soared in Pappillion and we got a good price for the building and contents, plus the value of the business (which wasn't nearly what we thought it should be...)  It gave me a decent nest egg to retire on.  Not exactly a mountain of money, but a hill that will sustain me as long as I live practically.  The house is paid for, though a 100+ year old house does require a LOT of maintenance!  

So I don't feel that I "missed the boat" by not getting a degree.  It's possible I would have a bigger "hill" of money if I had, but on the other hand, I never had student loans to pay off, so maybe not!

In the big picture, I'm perfectly content with my life as it is right now.  I have friends that I can depend on.  I am financially secure.  I've got pretty much everything I want.  My 3 cats are happy and healthy, though Pearl - at 17 - is approaching her transition over the Rainbow Bridge.  When you have pets, it's something you can't avoid and you kind of prepare yourself as they age.  I just try to appreciate the time I have with her... 

The biggest thing right now is my health.  Not that it's bad, but it definitely needs work!  I'm on a journey to lose weight and get healthier.  I'm working on my joint/back issues, seeing a chiropractor 3 times a week which I will continue to do until things vastly improve.  At that point, I will be diligent about sustaining that with regular visits.  I've gotten my BP under control and my A1C is down.  My diet in general is greatly improved - way fewer carbs, much more protein, lots of veggies... I'm learning to substitute more diet friendly ingredients. 

I'm anxious to get back to work.  I think the last time I worked was mid-September.  After a few weeks, I filled out paperwork to take a hiatus until after the first of the year, but I'd like to get back sooner if I can. I miss my work buds...

And that's enough for now.  I have a crazy day tomorrow (Monday).  FOUR doc appointments!!  Dentist (routine cleaning and MAYBE something else), Ophthalmologist (to check my eye pressure after a little procedure two weeks ago), the nurse practitioner who put me on Ozempic (for a blood draw to see how it's affecting me) and then the chiropractor.  I'll be exhausted tomorrow night!  😵