Life marches on... I'm getting a lot done around here.  I'm turning the basement into my "lady-cave".  I tell Mark not to think I'm trying to erase him - there will still be plenty of evidence of him when I'm done.  I just need it to be different because so much of how it was makes me think of these last few years when things were getting bad for him.  It seems like since his bladder cancer, his health never had a shot at a real comeback... They did that surgery in early 2019, so about 2-1/2 years of struggle.  Rick (my brother-in-law) came by earlier this week and took Mark's recliner - that made a huge difference in itself because looking at it every night reminded me of the last few months.  And then my handyman painted that wall closest to his chair, that was such a mess from all the spills.  (He'd gotten very clumsy since his left arm quit working...)  It's starting to feel more positive than negative.  Once I get the new carpet in, it'll be a truly cheerful environment.  Then I can pepper the room with some of my favorite photos and reminders of Mark.  I've gotten rid of a lot of the Harley stuff, but I'm keeping a couple of the metal bike sculptures and a few other things.  

And part of what I'm doing is going through the big closet and all the stuff I've saved over the years - a lot of stuff that needs to just GO.  I mean, when it's my time, no one wants to have to rummage through what is junk to anyone else.  So if it only has meaning to me, or only had meaning to Mark, I'm pitching it.  With no kids to take old photos, who's going to want those things?!  I can save photos to my computer.  I've got a box of old letters... I'll probably collate them into piles of who they came from and offer to give them back.  I know - it sounds weird... But a few years ago, an old boyfriend from my teens years was doing what I'm doing (clearing shit out) and had all my letters to him.  He put them on a CD and sent it to me.  Reading them was like hopping in a time machine and going back to visit my younger self!  It was fascinating and brought back a lot of great old memories.  So I'd like to give other people that little trip down memory lane!

In the process of going through old pictures, these are some I came across that make me feel good...

The middle photo is from right around the time I met Mark.  He was living in a friend's basement as his job situation wasn't very steady right then.  He worked for the HVAC company where I was the office manager/bookkeeper, but just for a month or two... he was more of a commercial sheet metal worker and it wasn't really a good fit.  The other two pictures were from a few years before I knew him.  I kind of wished I had met him sooner, but it may be a blessing that I didn't as he quit drinking not long after these photos were taken.  I figure he was about 25 in the left photo, maybe a year or so older in the right one.  

The left photo was right after we got our first shepherd, Smokey Bear, so it would have been probably January of 1988, 7 or 8 months after we moved into this house.  The middle photo is Mark with his best friend, Rick, on his wedding day (with his first wife, Deb).  Rick was also our best man...  And right, of course, is the two of us - might have been at his mom's house or at his aunt's.  I'm guessing that was probably around 1988 or 1989...

This is when we got married here at home - Rick is on the left.  That's Steve marrying us.  Mom worked for him and he was an awesome friend... such a kind man!  And he was a Methodist minister.  That's Merry, my sis, as my maid of honor.  That's  my mom on the far right with my nephew, Brian, next to her.  Brian is now 41 and has three awesome kids!!  

This is the last of them for now...  Left is Mark opening Christmas presents.  We haven't done that for a long, LONG time... I'm going to guess this was probably mid-90's...  You can see the little stuffed ostrich sitting there, one of the gifts he got me that year. I collected nice stuffed animals for years. Anyway, that last one is Mark with his mom, Thelma.  She was a very nice lady who we saw very little of in spite of her living right here in Omaha.  To get Mark to visit her was like pulling teeth... I always felt there was some underlying reason for that, but he wouldn't divulge it if there was.  She passed away the day after his birthday in 1998 from ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease).

Anyway, it's been fun and sad and I've laughed and cried looking through the old photos... Time passes so fast.  I still feel like that 29-year-old in the wedding photo - in my mind at least.  My body - well, not so much, but I do actually feel like my body is improving at the moment.  I've had years of pain (with my hip and joints) and all these things that have been going on physically, and suddenly, I suspect because the stress of worrying about Mark is over, I'm feeling lighter (emotionally I mean), healthier (I can't put my finger on it exactly), and I feel less bogged down.  This could be a turning point for my health and well-being...

Oh, one last photo...  This is a photo that the aforementioned boyfriend took when I was about 15.  He was an amateur photographer, developing his own photos, and he did a lot of B&W, just because he liked the format.  

 

Even though I hated those glasses, I always liked this photo.  I remember a year or so after this, it was time for me to get new glasses and I BEGGED my dad to let me get wire rims.  He was really opposed to it because... well, first he said because they're too expensive, but I told him I would relinquish my allowance to make up the difference.  But he also thought they were too "hippie".  I managed to get him to give in and I got my first pair of "hippie" glasses:

 I loved those glasses!!  And I've been a hippie ever since!

 And that's all folks!