Some old, some new...

I wrote this back on 9/1 but never published it...  I meant to come back to it and never did.  But I certainly did not want to lose this memory:

Just got up ...my head feels really fucked up.  I strongly feel I had a visitation from Mom and I think my head is trying to adjust back to reality.  I had awakened around 4:40 to go back to the chair and my sinus shit kicked in like it often does.  So I coughed and cleared and snorted and blew my nose for the next hour and a half.  Then I decided to go back to the bed for awhile, just to see if I could catch a few more zzz's.  That usually doesn't work, but Pearl came and settled down next to me with her loud purrrrr that lulled me off to sleep.  And then...

I wondered, why hasn't the Alexa bing-bonged to let me know it's time to get up?  Seems like I've been here a long time, but I think it was after 6:00 when I laid down...  Then I jumped out of bed and looked in the other room to see what time the clock said it was.  I couldn't see it... I went in the living room and Mom was coming in the room from the spare bedroom (or maybe she was sitting in my chair and just got up - I just knew she was in that area).  I said something like "What was THAT?" and she went over to look out the front window.  I looked at the clock again and it was blank.  I said, "Oh wait a minute.  I think I'm still in bed with Pearl."  "Why do you think that?" she asked.  I said, "Well, the clock is blank and... well, you're here!"  Then I belly flopped on the bed (yes, there was a bed in the living room!) and said, "Man, it's so good to see you!"... at which point I woke up.  I started crying, partly because I knew I had finally had a visitation and partly because I was disappointed it didn't go on longer.  But it was so awesome.  She looked like she did at her 60th birthday party, probably because I was scanning pics from it yesterday.  But she looked healthy and happy and in a great mood.  And it was just so intensely real, and I was so aware that I was still in bed...I sure hope it happens again, and I would sure love to have one from Mark!

But this reminds me of a "sign" I got from her a couple weeks ago that I should have memorialized as well...  One evening, I was having a sad moment after I went downstairs to watch TV. Nothing serious... just one of those "I'm missing Mom" moments. Because I spent so much time with her in that space, I think of her and speak to her often when I'm down there.  I said, "Mom I could really use a sign tonight. Doesn't have to be a big one." I said, "How about when I play my music a little later you make the first song speak to me." (I have this routine - about 8:30 or so, I tell Alexa to play one of my playlists and then I scoop the cat litter and take a shower before watching one more program before bedtime...) Anyway, I said,  "It doesn't have to be a mom song, like Barbra Streisand which would definitely say it's from you!"  I thought, I don't have any Streisand on my playlists, but of course if that's how she wanted to do it, she could probably make it happen! I said, "But just make the message clear."  Well, I watched a movie so a couple of hours later I was ready to take my shower and I asked Alexa to shuffle my mellow playlist. And I went upstairs to freshen my drink, not really giving a lot of thought to what I'd said earlier. As I was mixing my drink, I thought of it and I listened to what was playing and it was George Michael's  "Father Figure". I thought, well I don't think this is it, but it sure is an awesome song....so maybe it'll be the next song. I got my drink and I came downstairs, set it down and went into the bathroom to get ready for my shower. As that song ended, the last line of the song was like a beacon of light on a foggy night:  "I WILL BE THE ONE TO LOVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME."  It made me think of all the times my eyes have been drawn to the triple numbers.  I don't see the hundred license plates that whiz by me, but I SEE the triple numbers.  My ears were drawn to those words.  They do find ways!

 

Now, back to today, which is Oct. 20... I realized yesterday that it's been a month since Aunt Judy left and we had Mom's party.  A MONTH!  How does time fly by that fast?  That means it's nearly 6 months since she transitioned!  Oh how I miss hearing her voice and hearing her laugh.  I'm remembering those things more and more, meaning I've started to realize she really wasn't her true self by the time she moved in with me.  I think she was really done with this life and just waiting for the big release.  I didn't get to see a lot of that old orneriness that we all know and love.  It makes me think of Mark.  His spark had been gone a long time and I only caught glimpses of it now and then that last couple years. Life is kind of cruel.  I know we have it in us to let go when we want to, but for some reason, most of us hold on through lots of pain and anguish.  I used to think it was the unenlightened who did this, and that would explain people like Mark.  But both Mom and Wes were very enlightened, and yet they both took the hard path out.  So I guess my conclusion has been that either there is a life-lesson in there, or it's an attempt to get those around us to get to the point that they are willing to let go.  With Wes, I have a feeling it was the latter.  I think he was convinced that Sally would be lost without him.  As for Mom, I suppose I won't know what kept her here until I see her again.  

We saw the psychic again before Aunt Judy left.  A few points he made... 

>Mark brought Mom through - he mentioned this a couple times.  This is very comforting.  

>He said as he came through the door, he could hear both of their voices, like they were chatting.  He could see Mark but only hear Mom.

>He said Mom did not let on how MUCH she suffered.  I kind of knew that, but it was really hard to hear. 

>He said Mark was very communicative and welcomed him in and he's out there protecting me.  He said he's an extremely good communicator on the other side!!

 >He said Mark wants me to know I "have a lot of time left and need to figure out what I want."

>He mentioned Patty (Marcy's dog)... he said he usually doesn't get names.  He said it was probably because Aunt Judi and I were out there the day before when Patty came up on the porch.  I commented after they left that he's getting very thin and I have a feeling his days are numbered...

>At one point, he waved his hand at the tree sculpture on the wall and said, "Is this all for her?"  The butterflies... of course!

>He mentioned the interstate and "an exit" - Mom was showing this to him and he said to keep an eye out for what that might mean.

>Aunt Judi asked about the triple numbers.  He said you can look up numbers, like "333 angel number" and it will tell you the meaning.  He said even more of a message is if you see one with letters that "speak to you", like your initials or something else... look up the numbers that follow as it's probably a message TO YOU!

>He talked about Grandma Dora, who apologized to Aunt Judi for not being a good mother.  He said she was "unstable" and couldn't be a good mother at that time.  I think it was very healing for Aunt Judi... This gave me some comfort that Mom has probably made peace with her and her dad.

>It was so funny when he said Mom and Mark are like "Batman and Robin"! I told him they were always very simpatico... Mom seemed to understand Mark better than anyone else, maybe even me!  I'm betting Mom, Mark & Wes are like the three amigos!

It was a truly excellent adventure talking to Kevin.  If it had just been a couple hits and mostly misses, I might attribute it to a good guesser or someone who is very intuitive.  But he had so many specific references, I'm convinced he's the real deal!  I think I may start following him and see if I can't show up at some of his events.

I haven't really blogged much at all since Mom passed.  I need to get back to it.  I think I may just stay on the track of working 2 days a week through the winter so I can do some writing.  I might even try to work on my so-called "book".  I have 72 pages written at which point I got busy, stuck, life got in the way.  I need to get back to it and see if I can actually finish it!  In going through boxes to get rid of stuff, I was truly surprised at how many short stories I wrote over the years.  Most of it, of course, when I was younger.  I'll have to take time to sit down and read through it - I may "save" it for if/when I have another surgery, when I'm limited in what I can do...

Well, I need to get this published and make some dinner.  Hopefully, I'll get back to this again soon.  (Hopefully, I'll have something to write about!)