Why... am I crazy??

Ok, I know Mom and my sis, Merry, wonder WHY I put up with Mark.  It's not easy, believe me... And I probably shouldn't.  

**SIGH**  

Mark has never been what I'd call "ideal husband material".  But I'm what I'd call a "low-maintenance woman", so it was no big deal.  He wasn't good at the special days - no flowers or special things on anniversaries, Valentine's Day, my birthday.  Oh, he'd do SOMEthing if I made a point to remind him repeatedly.  "My birthday is next week...2 days from now...tomorrow..."  "Gee, it's almost Valentine's Day..."  "Our anniversary is coming up..." etc...  But it just got to the point where I didn't really care that much.  I thought, well, he doesn't cheat on me, he let's me do what I want, spend what I want, no complaints, and he's kinda fun...  There's always a trade off, and "special occasions" aren't that big a deal.  I kind of mocked wives who said things like, "I'd divorce my husband if he didn't make a big deal about special occasions." Oh, who cares?  And really, I do feel this way!

And he's one of those old-school guys who would never, EVER, under ANY circumstance lift a finger around the house!  There was a time when I could get him to clean a toilet now and again.  Now, if he does some dishes I feel lucky.  I rarely even ask anymore.  I refuse to do his laundry anymore.  I figure if he can't do anything around the house, I'm not going to do anything for him...  Once in a blue-moon, I'll throw some of his stuff in with mine, but other than that, he's on his own with laundry...

But that's just minor stuff.  Annoying, but I could deal with it through the years.  But he's become a real liability in the last few years...

2007... leg amputated due to circulation issues exacerbated by smoking.  He continued to smoke...

2012... he was in a car accident caused by a seizure (see an earlier post for details...)

The last year... his memory is shot.  He can't remember conversations we have and asks me the same questions over and over.  He has had brushes with the law.  He's smoking pot like it's going out of style.  Can I get him to stop?  No.  Can I get him to not drive?  No.  His mind is going fast.  He's exhibiting signs of someone a lot closer to the end of life than a guy who is only 60...

Do I still love him?  Kinda... not what it once was, no way.  I don't hate him.  I loathe what he's become, and I long for what he once was, even as flawed as he was... I feel pity for him.  What would happen to him if I kicked him out?  Most likely... I would predict he'd become a street person in short order.  I predict he'd be dead fairly quickly.  I may not be IN LOVE with him anymore, but I don't want him dead.  I don't want him to suffer the indignity of being a homeless street person. I guess I'm trying to show respect for what we once had... And that's why I put up with this shit that's going on.  There may come a point when I have to throw in the towel to save my sanity, but until then, I will appear to the outside world to be a desperate woman.  I'm not - believe me, I would much rather be alone, not have these problems that come with a man who is... let's face it, probably battling dementia.  But for now, it's what I feel obligated to deal with.  I just hope my friends and family can understand.  Although my Mom doesn't get it, she's supportive.  And I think my sis, though perhaps a little more judgmental, is on my side.  (FYI, if I was on the outside looking in, I'd be judgmental, too!!)  Thank goodness for family...