I'm starting this late Saturday night, 11/11...  I plan to keep it open for a few days.  I wanted to start a documentation of the last few months...

My hip went to shit right before the Labor Day weekend.  I had a day where I worked that took me out to the auto auction a few times.  Auto auction is typically a lot of walking.  Once I do without much fuss.  Twice is a little tough.  I seem to recall that is was three times...  I was hurting.  The next day was the airport shuttling.  It got a little rough in the afternoon, and I was ready to get outa there, but Todd was kind enough to let me be chase to let me get my hours.  But those two days sent me into a downward spiral and I called a physical therapy place to try to get it under control.  Well, here we are, 10 weeks later, and I've had some good days, but a lot of bad ones as well, so not feeling like the grand I've spent has bought me much relief!!  

So...  day after tomorrow, I have an appointment with a bone doctor.  If you had told me a year ago that I would be open to a hip replacement, I would have told you that you were crazy.  But today, I'm hoping that's what he's going to tell me.  I'm so damn tired of the pain.  If this is what the rest of my life is going to be like, I'm not a happy camper.  Don't get me wrong... I'll deal with it, because I know there are those who are sooo much worse off.  But you can not imagine how much I want to walk... just take a nice long walk through the neighborhood.  Oh, just how about a walk from one end of my fucking house to the other without hurting??  I just wanna sit down and have a good bawl when I think about it... Why did I let it get this bad???  

I love my job at Enterprise so much, and I need the time away from Mark.  He's so freakin' negative.  Grumpy old man does NOT begin to describe him!! He can't say a positive word to save his life.  He's down on EVERYthing.  And that exacerbates  my problem. I need positivity in my life.  Our Abraham group helps a lot, but that's only twice a month.  I know I would be better off without him, and of course we are now legally divorced.  But I can't bring myself to SERIOUSLY ask him to leave.  (I say SERIOUSLY because there have been times I've strongly suggested it...)  Yes, I love him like a sister loves a brother, and I know he NEEDS me, and I'm committed to being there for him for as long as I can take care of him...  I feel Thelma (his Mom) looking over us, and feel she wants me to take care of him.  

And I should clarify that... at this moment, he may be capable of "taking care" of himself.  But I think that's something that's going to change soon.  His memory is terrible.  And he's becoming less and less capable of rational choices.  He's super twitchty... it drives me CRAZY.  He laughs at totally inappropriate times.  The signs are there that his brain is (as I call it) turning to mush.  

You wanna know what gets me through?  Well, of course I drink.  I'm sorry if that offends anyone...  but ya gotta do what ya gotta do!  But it's the music.  I love music.  I have literally hundreds of 70's and 80's (some 60's, 90's and current) music bookmarked on both of my computers so that I can listen to it in the evenings.  I have high-end speakers on both computers so that I can listen to it LOUD.  And it fills me with JOY...

And now I'm off to bed, and will add to this tomorrow...

..................................................................................

I didn't get back to this, obviously, for which I have no excuse!  I've spent a lot of time sitting around because of this bum hip.  But I'll add to it today (11/19) and tomorrow (my birthday) as I've had a rough weekend and decided to take another day hoping it will get better...

First, I'll document where I'm at with my hip.  My appointment with the orthopedic doc on the 15th consisted of xrays which shows I DO need a hip replacement.  I'm walking bone-on-bone, which explains the pain.  It's a relief to know I'm not just a big fat weenie... that my pain is REAL.  Anyway, the guy I saw specializes in laparoscopy, in other words, "fixing" the problem.  This can't be "fixed" that way, so now I have to go see a surgeon that does actual replacements, and I can't get in to see him until the 15th of December.  Shit...another month.  Then I suppose it will be after the holidays before they will schedule it.  A month off work to recover... so my work will likely be minimal for the next couple of months.  I told Matt that I don't want to work two days in a row because it seems to send me into a tail spin of a few bad days.  

I'm also feeling relief to know that there's a high likelihood that I will get to go back to a normal life in a few short months!  My first question to the doc was "how soon can I walk a mile?"  He said, probably 6 weeks after surgery.  I can NOT wait!  Then I'm going to work up to a minimum of 2 miles a day, maybe more on my days off... 

Of course, I have great apprehension with what this might cost me.  I can expect a minimum of my deductible, which is $5000.  I'm afraid to find out beyond that... But life has gotten so difficult - I can't even plan a trip to the grocery store without misery.  It needs to be done!

On to another subject that's bugging me...

Today to "Abe-nicks" day.  Abraham is my spiritual guru and Mom and I go to a Meetup group that discusses the teachings of Abraham.  It's a great place to talk about applying the Law of Attraction to your life and how to get past the pitfalls of what has become "normal" human behavior, like examining the negative aspects of our lives...

We have a member of the group whose name is Linda.  I'll guess that Linda is in her early or mid-60's and she's never been married.  She's always a bit whiny about it, more or less wanting feedback on "how to know when you've found the RIGHT one."  Here are the things I've gathered from seeing her pretty often in the last year:

1) She has dated a plethora of men over the years and when a man gets to the point of wanting to move forward, as in marriage or cohabitation, she rejects him because "there might be something BETTER out there that I won't be available for if I'm committed."

2) She has a daughter she raised on her own.

3) She has had a successful career, owns her own home.

4) She is in constant therapy, again, trying to figure out why she's alone.

5) She sees psychics often (not a judgement as I think there are genuine ones out there...)

6) When she talks, she is the saddest looking person I think I've ever seen.  Her mouth goes down in a sad-sack frown, she looks like she's about to cry, and her brow is so furrowed it had deep, permanent trenches.  You can see from her facial wrinkles that this has been her MO all her life.

7) She has a beautiful, upbeat cousin she brought to one meeting - she can't figure out why the cousin can find wonderful men to date and she "can't."

Ok, now that I've set the stage with a kind of "picture" of who she is, here are some details of today's meeting.  She talked about how her cousin "dragged her out" yesterday to watch the Nebraska game at a sports bar.  The cousin was going on a date with a guy from Match.com and wanted her to tag along, so maybe she could meet a nice guy at this sports bar.  Here are some of the things that Linda said that just annoyed the shit out of me...

"I've been on Match.com and there are no good looking men, yet my cousin found this really handsome man on Match.com.  Why don't I ever see any handsome men on Match.com?"

"So my cousin said, 'Come on Linda, let's walk around the bar and see if you see anyone you'd like to chat with...'  I said NO, all of these men are fat, bald and ugly... I don't want to talk to ANY of them!  She said, 'C'mon, Linda, you can't judge them until you talk to the!'  But I refused - I don't want any fat, bald, old or ugly men!"  (WOW...)

"This got me thinking, maybe it's me!"  (Ya think?)

"My therapist says I need to learn to love myself so that I can let love in."  (I'm sorry... I think your problem is all you THINK about is you-you-you... how about you get outside of yourself??)

Afterwards, she sat and talked to my Mom and there were even more awful things that came out of her mouth, like:

"I try to talk to my daughter about these things and she turns it around like it's all about her.  I told her about breaking up with (this guy - can't remember his name) and she said, 'Not another one, Mother, I guess I'm going to have to take care of you!'  She always makes everything about her!"

"There are no good-looking men in Nebraska! Only fat, bald, ugly ones!"

Ok, I've kind of set the stage for her tone, which I found disgusting.  And I'm doing this because it really burned my ass that she's such a self-absorbed, narsissistic, self-loathing while at the same time egotistical bitch!  And I need to write what I'd LIKE to say to her.  Of course, I won't... at her age, it's unlikely she's going to change and it would just likely give her an excuse for an even bigger pity-party...  So here it is...

Dear Linda,

I'd like to do something for you that no one else has apparently had the balls to do, except maybe perhaps your daughter, which is to be BLUNT.  After your description of how you talked to your cousin yesterday at the sports bar, I'm surprised she would ever want to hang out with you again.  She is a perfectly delightful lady who seems very upbeat and positive, and you seem to focus so completely on the negative that it is absolutely EXHAUSTING to listen to you.  

I would never have the nerve to say, "There are no handsome men in Nebraska!"  Yes, you said it that way.  "They're all bald, fat or ugly."  Wow, can you imagine how you would feel if a man said that about Nebraska women?  We had 3 men in our group - I cringed for them when you said that... Let's see... Tim - not a particularly "handsome" man, so he must be one of the "ugly" ones.  Not in my book, because beauty is something within, and he's a good and decent man, which makes him awesome.  Shawn - well, maybe he could pass for somewhat handsome, but oh, he's FAT with a somewhat receding hairline.  Not good enough, right?  No wait, he's another sweet guy with a great aura, a great demeanor, so good enough for a decent woman to love. The new guy, Bo... well, he's neither fat nor ugly nor bald, so maybe he would have passed your test. I hope you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down.  If I was a man and I ever got wind of THAT attitude, even if I was a handsome, perfectly proportioned and hairy guy, that would tell me all I needed to know about you.  That you are shallow!

You had a great guy in that teacher gentleman.  I couldn't believe my ears when you came to a meeting and said you broke up with him because he wanted to marry you... "because there might be someone better out there and I'd miss out on because I was committed."  After hearing you today, I think the universe did that man a great service, so the Law of Attraction is working for him!  How terrible would it be stuck with a woman who is always wondering, "What did I miss out on because I married THIS guy?"  Oh, and BTW, a handsome, well-proportioned man with a full head of hair!  WOW, you get what you want and then you throw it away.  

Ok, so now I'm done being blunt, which I'm sure you would describe as "mean."  I don't really know you, and I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I think you need to be "shocked" into reform.  You will not be on this planet forever, so you need to find a way to be happy!  I want my harshness to be like a defibrillator - to shock you into action to take control of your happiness, and create a serious attitude adjustment!

So first of all, learn to sit up straight, head high, back arched. You tend to slump forward and look sad.  Mom suggested the mirror routine... DO THAT!!!  Sit in front of a mirror and talk like you're talking to a friend, a man, a co-worker, whatever.  Be clear.  Be confident.  Try to talk deeper - it sounds more confident.  Don't be a wimp.  Practice smiling (you do not smile much - in fact, you tend to frown) and practice not allowing your brow to furrow.  Raise your eyebrows when you talk.  It makes you look upbeat.  Oh, and above all, say nothing negative, no matter how much it wants to come out!  Instead of saying, "There are no handsome men in Nebraska" (which may be what you're thinking for whatever god-forsaken reason), say "I'm looking for a handsome man!"  That's  still something I would never say, because "handsome" does not always translate to "good" or "decent" or "loving."  (Handsome should be a bonus, not a primary characteristic.) 

If you truly believe your daughter is as negative as you describe, drop her like a hot potato.  Stay away from her.  And stay away from everyone you see as negative.  But understand that YOU have to be positive to attract positive people.  I don't allow negative people to be called "friends" - not that there aren't negative people that I have to interact with.  I just don't let them under my skin or into the real circle of my life.  My husband (technically ex) is pretty negative, and we do live together, but I tune him out.  I spend little time with him, and I stop him in his tracks when he tries to impose his negativity on me.  I stay with him because I think he needs someone to watch over him for the rest of his days and I've taken this on as a homage to our good days.  But it is a challenge, even with my easy-going spirit and natural happiness, to keep him from affecting my demeanor.  Just don't give ANYone the power to bring you down.

I think if you start practicing being upbeat and positive that so many things in your life will change.  One of the first things I think you'll figure out is that therapy is a real downer and makes you turn INTO yourself rather than OUT.  I divorced in 1986 and saw a counselor for awhile and what I noticed (and really turned me off, because I AM a naturally positive person) is that counselors/ therapists want you to bitch and moan, the philosophy being that you "get it off your chest" and you can move on.  But it's easy to just keep complaining. If you don't have a therapist that will guide you to a better place, rather than just "listening", stop going!  Find a better one if you think you really need that.  There needs to be a goal of happiness, not just continual complaining...

And that's all I've got, Linda.  You need to get off the pity pot and be happy.  You can do it if you really want.  STOP talking about it and DO it.  It's not hard, really.  You need to find a real friend who will STOP you every time you go in that negative direction.  It's a very bad habit, and that's all it is!  You just need to reprogram yourself to be happy... And you need friends who have the balls to not let you go negative!

Denise