Monday will be 8 weeks since Mark passed... Time is such a weird thing. It's almost getting harder, but I think I've figured out why. As the memory of the last weeks or months, when it was so difficult... as that fades a little, the good memories start to wash in. I've said all along I miss the old Mark - the guy who lived to "play", which sometimes meant playing golf, sometimes just meant watching or listening to a Husker game. He was never terribly ambitious career-wise, but he had things he wanted and work was the way to get those things, so when he worked, he worked hard. And I think he took pride in his work. I can't tell you how many times we were in a store - like a Walmart, or Nebraska Furniture Mart - and he would point upwards and say, "I put in that supply" or "see that long run of duct - I did that!" And it always looked good. But that guy had been gone a long time. After he lost his leg, he had no desire to go anywhere that required any amount of walking. And that was 14 years ago. Then after the accident in 2012, things changed dramatically - he was never quite the same mentally after that...
But now, the older memories, of the better times, make me a little sad. I try to just appreciate that we had those times. But some things haunt me a bit. Mark was a real ass when it came to being helpful around the house. And I RESENTED it. I worked hard, too, and it was not fair that he expected me to take care of EVERYthing around the house! And I damn well told him at every opportunity! Eventually, I got over it and just did it, and for the most part quit bitching about it, but I still felt resentful. I think he thought I got fat just to be spiteful. No, that wasn't it... I think it was just a result of me trying to please him by cooking what HE wanted to eat (which is NOT a good diet!) AND my unhappiness with his attitude about the household chores. But l do remember good times in spite of all that...
I've been working diligently on the basement. I hope Mark, as he watches over me, doesn't think I'm trying to "erase" him... I need to get rid of the things that remind me of the last... well, few months for sure, and really, few years. I need to get his chair hauled away - it was completely trashed. He had become a terrible spiller. I bet he spilled a full glass of pop at least once a week, and usually in, on or right by his chair. Usually "by"...the carpet is nasty, the wall is a mess... the whole area is a disaster! There's blood on the wall by his chair that I could never get an explanation for... I'm having a handyman paint that wall in a couple weeks. I lined up some tile to be installed at the bottom of the stairs, and new carpet. I need the area not to remind me of those terrible days when he was becoming weaker and weaker.
I managed to clean out the walk-in closet of all of my old clothes while I was bagging up and donating all of his clothes. I had the handyman take out the old drawers that my ex, Paul, built 40 years ago (built as drawers under a full-size bed that we adapted into a unit to use in the closet) and put the armoires that Mark used in the big room in there. One of my goals is to get rid of the old, big bulky projection TV and get a smart TV so I can get rid of the cable and use some kind of streaming service. I'm paying WAY too much for cable for just me...
It's a slow process, though. I have to get the tile in before the carpet. And of course, both have to be ordered. And then once the tile is here (it's been ordered, or at least I hope it has!), then I have to wait for the installers. Keith, the guy I've used for years, says they "should" be able to squeeze it in - it's only 15 square feet. If it was a regular job, he said it would be "sometime next year in the first quarter." You always have to wait for the people who do the best work...
But in the meantime, I hope to get the walls painted. First wall is the one by Mark's chair, which I'm doing in red. That's also the wall that the new TV will go on. Next will be the blue walls - the one by the laundry room and the one going up the stairs on the opposite side of the red wall. I know the dark colors will really change the "feel" of the room, but it's a big space and I think it will look awesome!
This is all keeping me busy, distracted. Of course, I think of Mark a lot. I try NOT to think about the last few months. It was such an incredibly stressful year between all that was going on with him and his health and dealing with the scare of my uterine cancer. I knew in my heart it was going to turn out ok, but it just added another layer of tension to an already tense life. I mean, because I had a gut feeling it was all ok, I really wasn't that worried for myself... I was worried that Mom thought maybe she was going to have to face the idea of losing another kid. And I was worried that Mark was worrying about who would take care of him if I became infirm. Those were the things that were banging around in the back of my head.
Well, on to more fun subjects. I traded with a lady from Florida this week. She sent me a cutting of Hoya gunung gading and Hoya patella. That makes about 14 I added to my collection, which is a LOT for me! Of course, about a third of those are ones I've grown at one time or another and am trying again. One of them is manipurensis, and I think that one is about gone. I guess as badly as I want to grow that one, it's just not in the cards for me! But here are the others I've added, and the ones with * are the repeats...
posted by GreenGirl58 @ 11:12 AM
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