Why...

I feel the question, though never spoken, "why do you stay?"  In my relationship, that is...  I know it probably seems like a real mystery from the outside.  I complain often, though it's more like a "release valve" on a water heater... letting off steam.  Mark and I are like oil and water for the most part.  He's negative, I'm positive.  He's clouds and I'm sunshine. We are polar opposites, it's true.  There was a time when I felt sure I balanced him out, but in his old age and (I hate to say it) brain-damaged state, he has tipped the scales.  His negativity truly challenges my positivity!  But I'm determined to be the victor!!

Enough pep talk.  Mark has some real issues because of his (what I call) brain damage.  The docs told me back in 2012 when he had the seizure that caused the car accident that the MRIs of his brain showed signs of several "mini strokes".  I guess these are not uncommon, but he's had a LOT of them.  And they're from the Burger's Disease.  He's probably had more since then since he won't stop smoking.  And his personality continues to change.  And his weirdness gets... well, weirder!  Of course, he has no recognition of it whatsoever.  So when I comment about it, he just gets angry and defensive.  I probably should just stop even making the observation out loud...

But back to why I stay.  I guess two reasons... One is out of respect for the man he once was.  There was a time when he was fun, relatively normal.  Never a great husband, mind you.  Not a bad one either.  As far as I know, he's never, ever cheated on me.  But could I ever get him to lift a finger around the house?? Hell no!  There came a point when I just accepted that the man was a fucking asshole when it came to being an equal in household chores.  Do you divorce a guy over that?   I don't have particularly high standards, so I accepted it.  

Ok, off that subject that just makes me wanna kick his ass!  Which brings me to the 2nd reason...  I loved Mark's mom, Thelma.  What a great lady she was!  Mark is her only child (adopted) and though they were not particularly close when she passed, she and I had spent some time together.  It kind of felt like there was an implied contract (loving one, mind you) that I would look after Mark.  I kind of think she knew he would need looking after...  so I feel compelled to be his guardian angel of sorts until... well, whenever.  He may outlive me (SOB if he does!!) so I've set up a trust.  Not that I have THAT much money from selling the biz, but he's such a fucking dumb-ass when it comes to money, I knew that if I didn't have it set up, he'd just blow through what little I have in a year or so and be homeless... So it's to protect him from HIMSELF so he can (hopefully) get through the rest of his sorry life!!

So that's why I stay. I do still enjoy his company now and then.  He can be so annoying, but I still get glimpses of the old days.  We can sit on the porch and talk about things like music.  That seems to be a subject that we can still relate about!!  And a few other things, random things.  But there are things I have to avoid... if I complain about anything at all, he jumps on it with a vengeance and is like a rabid dog that won't let it go.  So I have to be careful about what I bring up.  

I don't want to sound like it's all negative.  He tries in a few ways.  He takes the trash to the curb.  He'll wash the dishes a couple times a week.  He'll go get me some vodka if I'm out.  Here are the things I wish he would do... take a shower every day.  Fold his laundry and put it away.  Clean the damn downstairs toilet and sink (they get SOO gross!!)   Clean up the freakin' basement so we can get new carpet, new flat screen TV, new surround sound.  I've told him... I'm willing to spend five grand on these three things if he'd just CLEAN UP THE BASEMENT!!  What kind of dumbass doesn't hop on that deal????

Well, life is good in spite of his negativity. And I guess that's the blessing that I need to focus on.

I started this blog sometime ago .  And didn't publish. So this is an add-on before I publish... Today, we went down to my sister Merry's for Thanksgiving. So we were in the car a half hour down and a half hour back together and it wasn't unpleasant. In other words, we got along okay and he did not get particularly negative. A good day I guess!

However, I have a truly sick kitty. Bella is 11 years old. She started acting funny a few days ago... Wouldn't get up on furniture I was moving at the pace of a snail. Was not her usual self. Sunday, I got worried enough about her that I took her to one of the urgent care clinics. They did a bunch of texts and decided that she has a urinary tract infection. Gave me some meds, and liquid form, which were nearly impossible to give to her. Then Tuesday I came home from work and she seemed worse so I took her straight to my regular bed. They gave her steroids for pain and information and antibiotics injectable form. Thankfully! Well, she does not seem any better and it kind of feels like she may be on her way to the Rainbow Bridge... I'm feeling so sad! I hope I'm wrong, and I hope all the stuff they gave her will kick in, but I'm kind of preparing myself for the worst.

I remember the day I brought Bella and her sister Pearl home. They were 7 or 8 weeks old and adorable! We had Lucy, a 120 lb German Shepherd, who had never been around cats. When I brought them in, Lucy came right out and started sniffing them with her tail wagging excitedly. At first, the kittens fluffed up with their tail straight up as they do, did the little spit thing that cats do, but pretty darn soon, as Lucy licked at them, they settled down and decided that she was Big Mama! Very quickly, they all became good friends. Pearl became Lucy's nap buddy. 

Eventually Bella evolved into Mark's kitty. Yes, hard to believe! At some point, Bella consistently slept with Mark, who sleeps in the basement in a recliner. It's funny because Mark always said he wasn't a cat guy, but I remember the day he came up from the basement and told me one morning, " I hate to break it to you honey, but I've been sleeping with another woman!" I turned to him and said, "What?" He said,"Yeah, she's this cute little chick called Bella!" LOL!  Then it got to the point that if Bella didn't show up downstairs to sleep with him, he'd ask me in the morning if she had slept with me. My point is that if I lose Bella, Mark will be missing her too. I doubt he'll admit it, but I know he will...

Well, I have my fingers crossed that the drugs will get her through this and I'll have many years ahead with my girl. But if not, I've had 11 wonderful years with my sweet Bella. And that's what I will focus on.