Well, Monday marked a week since Mark transitioned.  I picked up his ashes that day, which was kind of surreal...The lady at the funeral home told me to pull up to the front door and she would "load him", then asked if I wanted him in the front seat or back.  I said, "Oh, in the front - he needs the leg-room!"  She laughed a little, like she wasn't sure if she should...I don't think they're used to people having a sense of humor at a time like this.  They kind of reacted the same way when I paid them.  I said, "Can I put this on my credit card?"  She said, "Of course."  I said, "Well, I figure I might as well get my Amazon bucks!"  I don't think they are used to people having my philosophy about death.  It's not the END, it's only moving on, going back home.  I'm sure on his end, it was a celebration, a reunion with the loved ones that went before him.  I can only imagine the joyous moment of our three German Shepherds greeting him at the Rainbow Bridge!  It's kind of wonderful to think of them with him as he hangs out with me now...

And don't get me wrong - I have moments of utter sadness.  But it's not about death.  It's about the process of his body dying and how difficult it was.  It's about the idea that we'll never sit on the front porch again, me with my drink and him with his weed, listening to music and chatting about whatever... And missing the OLD Mark, the guy who had enthusiasm about golf and riding his motorcycle and... well, that's about it!  I won't exactly miss the guy that wouldn't do a damn thing around the house, but I'd gotten used to that after 34 years!  LOL!  But he was a special character.  Merry (my sis)... I don't think she ever "got" what I saw in Mark.  But Mom did.  She saw the charming Mark.

I know I've mentioned "Abraham", the spiritual guru I follow.  Abraham is a collective group of souls on the other side who channel through a lady named Esther Hicks.  Their purpose is to enlighten those of us who reject mainstream religion as the true path to happiness.  You notice I didn't use the term "salvation."  That's because there is nothing for us to be saved from!  And that gut feeling I have had all my life is why I could never embrace a church.  I always questioned why a "God" would create us, claim to love us and then create HELL so that he could send the unworthy off to burn forever??  That's just crazy.  If that's who "God" really is, I want NOTHING to do with him/her!!  I know in my heart there is no hell, and once we leave this planet, no matter how BAD we were, we return to the pure positive energy and love of "source" (or "God" if you will...)  There is no reason, EVER, to fear death.

Anyway, when I found Abraham, that was part of the philosophy that rang true to me.  Hell is simply a man-created place to control people.  Come to church to SAVE YOUR SOUL.  Give your money to SAVE YOUR SOUL.  Be good little Christians to SAVE YOUR SOUL.  Which means follow OUR rules.  I always thought the Bible was ridiculous on SO many levels.  Do we really need someone to tell us not to KILL?  Not to LIE?  Not to COMMIT ADULTRY?  Don't our hearts tell us what's right and wrong?

Ok, now I'm getting on a rant!  Didn't mean to do that.  I could go on all day about this philosophy, but I won't today.  I really just wanted to talk about how Abraham has these... well, I'll call them "exercises"... on how to get what you want.  How to open the Universe to your intentions.  Like a vision board - I think everyone has heard about that.  Another one is a focus wheel, where you sit down and draw a wheel - little circle in the middle, large circle that takes the whole page, then spokes between the little and big circles.  You write your goal in the middle, then in each "spoke" you write how you can get that thing in the middle, or what makes that thing desirable and how it will positively change your life.  

Anyway, another exercise is to simply write out what you want in list form or as a letter to the Universe.  Well, the night before Mark passed, actually almost exactly 15 hours before, I was experiencing some serious angst about Mark.  He had called me a few times that day and sounded really bad, sounded so terribly weak and confused.  I had gone to Kathy's for dinner and that had not "felt" good.  I was worried the whole time I was there, but I knew there was nothing I could do - I couldn't go see him... I was literally helpless.  So I sat down to write down what I wanted for Mark, and here it is:

It was a little bit comforting to write that, but it wasn't until a day or two after he passed that I remembered that I wrote this. I truly feel that the act of writing this helped him let go.  I had been trying to "speak" to his inner being with my inner being ever since he went into the hospital.  The dialog changed as his condition worsened... It started out with things like "Mark, find strength to recover... find the will to go on if that's what you want..."  It eventually became, "Mark, if this is your time to transition, don't feel the need to stay for me... don't suffer through one extra moment thinking I won't be ok.  It's ok to let go..."  But I'm not so sure he was "hearing" my inner being.  Maybe sitting and writing it, with the focus it takes to do that, maybe that "got through" and gave him the fortitude to cross over.  Of course, I won't know for sure until I get there myself, and by then it may be completely irrelevant, but I think the timing might suggest he "heard" me...

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On to more upbeat things!  This morning is absolutely beautiful!  It got down to 55 overnight and I opened up before I went to bed - it was 62 at 10:00.  So the house is filled with fresh air.  Yesterday was a little bit humid, but in the afternoon I was in the GH and there was a nice refreshing breeze coming in the windows, so I think a cooler/drier front came through. I didn't open the windows, but I did leave the GH slider open so the cats could go in and out as they pleased.  And I got some stuff done out there - watering, I did some cleaning/tidying.  I cut a vine of older leaves off my macgillivrayii and made 4 cuttings to root.  And I made a list of cuttings I will take to the sale this weekend.

The sale - I contacted Karin a few weeks ago to see if she wanted to put together a little sale at my house.  She said she and Kathy had been talking about a sale at Kathy's house, and I said that would be fine, too - I could just join them.  Kathy has a better place for it anyway - more shade, a nice level driveway.  If we did it here, it would probably have to be mostly in the yard, right out in the sun.  Anyway, we finally settled on this weekend and because the Nebraska game is on Saturday, we ended up going with a long day on Friday, then 9:00 to noon on Saturday.  I advertised it on the local Hoya page and the local C&S page.  I see Karin put in on one of the other pages, and maybe others, too.  I hope I can get rid of some stuff.  But I'm having trouble parting with rooted Hoyas because I have trouble asking enough.  I guess maybe if I get through this, I can try one doing "buy it now" on the Hoya page...

Most of my Hoyas are doing amazingly well.  I've brought in all but two - well, one Hoya and one Dischidia.  The ones that were hanging in the tree really grew like the dickens!  Pubicalyx 'Pink Silver' looks fabulous AND it had two budding peduncles!  I hung it in the spare bedroom in that south window that doesn't really get any light due to the front porch.  But the room gets great reflective light, so I think it will still be happy.  One of the peduncles opened and is pretty much done, but the other is still maturing.  Here are some photos...

The silver speckling is spectacular!  I'm very pleased with the results of putting them outside.  I think next spring I'm going to get some hangers to put on my fence...something like this...

I could probably hang another 10 plants off the fence that would be in the shade of the tree.  I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner!!

I've been growing Denny's Rhipsalis neves armondii for almost two years and it didn't grow an iota the first summer.  Just before I brought it in, I noticed it has a plethora of new growth at the top!  It will be exciting when it starts to cascade among the old growth!

Here's my H. bicknellii this summer...

This thing grew a LOT this year, up into the top shelf to the point that it can't be moved off the shelf unless I take lots of cuttings.  And it finally formed a second peduncle.  The old one must have bloomed 4 or 5 times this summer, so it will be nice to have more than one next year.   I was surprised, though, that when I went to sell a rooted cutting that it really didn't bring much.  I was so sure that it would fetch a good price...

Pubicalyx 'Royal Hawaiian Purple' sits next to bicknellii and it grew substantially this year, too.  It was hard to get a good photo, but here's a closeup of the main part of the plant:

 It has several vines going in all directions.  I restarted it probably 4 years ago and it took it 3 of those years to settle in and get going.  It put on minimal growth in year two, a little more last year, but this was its stellar year!  Maybe next year it will bloom again!

Enough for tonight!  I need to go list some plants.

  

And now Mark has pneumonia.  Not good for someone with lung issues.  Of course, I'm very worried.  He's so weak and so terribly thin... And he's on 14 day quarantine, and that's on top of the fact that they aren't letting anyone in for visits right now because one of their staff tested positive for Covid.  It's just a terrible time to end up in a nursing facility...

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I started that first paragraph on Saturday (the 4th) and didn't get far.  I was with Mom, Merry and Tim Pierson, having brunch, when I got word that Mark had pneumonia.  (We hadn't seen Tim in... well, probably at least 30 years and maybe a lot more than that!)  Sunday, Mark called me 4 times, always sounding confused and just weak.  Mostly wanting me to call for someone to help him.  Monday morning, he called me at about 7:30 and I could only understand about 10% of what he was saying, but I gathered that he thought he had lost his glasses in a warehouse.  He was obviously not really "there"...  I felt so awful, but assured him that we would either find them or get new glasses.  I waited by the phone, thinking that it felt like the end was near and expecting "that" phone call.  I finally called them at about 10:00 or so and asked for an update on his condition.  Whoever answered went to get the charge nurse - only the charge nurse can talk about specifics, I had learned.  After awhile, she came back and said she couldn't find her, that she would have her call as soon as she did find her.

At just a few minutes before 11 a.m., Marlene, the lady I'd been dealing with in the social services office, called me to tell me Mark had passed a few minutes before.  That they had found him with shallow breathing and called 911 to get an ambulance there, but by the time they got there, he had stopped breathing.  They tried to revive him but were unable to.  I wish he had had a DNR in place - his body was so weak, he never would have had a chance so why put him through that??  But I assume if there is no DNR, they have to do that.  It breaks my heart to think his spirit may have been confused by that.  I hope the spirit understands the human need to stop the "death" process...

It was both a huge sense of relief (to know he wasn't struggling so hard, experiencing such misery...) and an overwhelming sense of sadness (to know I would never hear his voice, see his face, be totally annoyed by his personality quirks!!!) After I calmed down, I called Mom and went down to Plattsmouth and we spent the afternoon out at Merry's, where I was able to talk, be distracted, etc...It was the exact thing I needed, and I was able to come home and be relatively calm that evening.  Oh, of course I was emotional, but it was manageable.  And I slept like the dead that night!  It made me realize how terribly worried and tense I've been for the last several months.  

Tuesday night was a little more restless.  It wasn't that my mind was working OT like you would think.  I was clear, I was not overwhelmed with emotion or grief, I was just AWAKE.  I thought maybe a smell was keeping me awake.  I was worried it might be gas, so I checked the stove... went outside about midnight and sat on the front porch for a few minutes clearing my "nose" and then came back in... No gas smell.  So I went to try the bed (I always start out sleeping in the chair, then to the bed around 2 am...)  Nope, still couldn't sleep.  But it wasn't that "I NEED to sleep, SLEEP damn it!" kind of feeling.  Just an "I'm awake" kind of feeling.  So about 3 am, I went back to my chair and konked out, slept hard until about 7:30.  And I was fine...  Later, I wondered if all the "weepiness"  had maybe cleared out my sinuses, which made me smell things that are always there and I just don't notice them because I'm usually - well, a little stuffy!  LOL.  And I could tell I had a Hoya blooming, too, so that was an added a scent that usually isn't there...

Anyway, so now it's almost 11 pm on Thursday, so this is day 3 of being a "widow."  It's still hard to digest that I won't see his scruffy face again... I get weepy at the weirdest things.  I brought home his "stuff" from the nursing home yesterday.  Wow, that really wreaked havoc on my emotions!  But as soon as I was done going through the stuff, I was ok.  I just hope he isn't mad at me for being where he was... I think, maybe if they had sent him to the hospital sooner, maybe he could have survived the pneumonia.  But then I think, to what end?  More of the same in the nursing home?  Could he have ever gotten well enough to come home?  I seriously doubt it, and months or years in that place would not have been living.  I loved him enough to wish that it could be over - that he could be released into source, the universe, to God, however you want to "define" it.  To go to "what's next" and be with all those loved ones who are waiting for him.  To see all our precious pets... Smokey Bear, Remo and Lucy (our three shepherds), Skippy (his childhood dog), Bella (the kitty who slept with him every night for many years). To wait for me. 

So I talk to him.  I've seen signs.  I figure our greatest connection was through music and that is surly how he will communicate to me.  And that first day, when I was on my way home from my sister's house, I turned the radio to Mark's favorite station and the song that was playing... "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Well, guess what?  That was the song that I've used for years as HIS ring tone on my phone!  

And with that, I'm off to bed.  More later - probably next week.  I have a crazy weekend... which is good - distraction!