Hell...

 I recently blogged about the fact that I don't believe hell exits.  I'm starting to wish it did!  I'm so utterly disgusted by the direction so much of America is going.  Of course, politics brings out the worst of the worst, but I really need to just shut out the rhetoric if I'm going to keep my sanity.  Here are the questions and observations that swirl through my mind on an endless loop until I find a way to calm down when I listen to the news...

*How do otherwise decent purportedly "christian" people stand behind a man who revels in spewing vile, insulting, degrading remarks at anyone who disagrees with him?

*Why can't the republican party come up with a better candidate?  Has the party gotten so far away from decency that it can't see a better way?  How sad is that?

*When did it become ok to rape, assault, degrade and humiliate women?  It must be ok because over half of the republicans overlook it in the highest office in our country.  And then there are the worst of them who threaten the life of a woman HE treated this way because she had the nerve to call him out on it legally.

*And what does it say about our citizens who will still vote for a criminal whose crimes include business fraud, mishandling of classified documents, election interference and of course inciting his followers to storm the capital (in which one person died and 174 police officers were injured)?

*How does one get over the embarrassment of living in a country that thinks Trump is an appropriate leader?  I often ask myself, what must the world think of us?  I saw a clip of John Cleese on a late-night show, talking about Trump's popularity.  He said, "He still has about 38-39% of voters behind him... but these are the dumbest people!  One woman, when asked how she can support him after what he said on the bus, about if you're a celebrity, women expect you to grab their pussy.  She said, 'Well, he never would have said that if he'd known he was being recorded!'"  Is this really our mentality??

*Don't people listen to the man?  He's said so many incredibly STUPID things that would make us burst out laughing if it weren't so woefully sad that he actually said them seriously...  stealth bombers are literally invisible... maybe we could put a bomb in a hurricane to disperse it... how about we inject bleach or disinfectant into our veins to fight the coronavirus?... a personal favorite that DID make me laugh was how the troops "took over the airports" during the revolutionary war. He's not the first president who isn't the sharpest crayon in the box - but most have been smart enough NOT to open their mouth about things they know nothing about.

*When I ask friends why they would vote for this kind of man again, the response I get most often... "Well, the economy was good when he was in office."  I guess this is the epitome of what our country has become.  Money truly is our God.  The almighty buck is more important than upholding decent values and having a man who makes us proud to be our leader.  

*And the worst thing about this (for me, anyway) is that I discovered that a lot of people who I thought I knew as thoughtful, intelligent, kind human beings defend this vile person.  

I know I live in the Midwest where conservative is a badge of honor, where I have to be careful what I say as a free-thinking independent less I be branded a "flaming liberal"... But I think people used to be willing to cross party lines to vote for the one that is best for our country, to keep us going in the right direction.  It's not like that any more, on either side to be honest.  It's "vote for (my side) come hell or high water... I'd rather go to hell than concede that the other side might have a better candidate." It's sad what we've become.

I do love this country.  I have my "lady cave" devoted to Americana decor.  My walls are red, white, blue... I can not pass up any kind of decoration with our flag on it. I know there are a lot of decent people here, even among the Trump supporters.  I think he somehow has many mesmerized - maybe mass hypnosis??  I don't get it.  But it scares the bejesus out of me and if he gets re-elected... I wonder where we will be at the end of another 4 years?  I guess I'll just try to focus on my pile of money growing and not look at anything else! Learn to bow to that golden calf...

And now, I need to go raise my vibration.  Next time will be all about plants, a much better subject!

Flowers today...

We have had days and days of blah, overcast, downright foggy and cold days and the lack of sun is really starting to bum me out.  I'm grateful for all the green around me in the house, but at the same time, nothing is growing, everything is dormant... Oh, there's one Hoya that pretty much blooms all year round that still has flowers on it ('Rebecca'), but even though they're adorable, they are minuscule. So I thought I would cheer myself up with a barrage of flower photos!  I'm not always good about noting the name, but I will make an educated guess if I don't know.

First up is Hoya dasyantha...

I describe this Hoya as looking like carnosa on steroids!  It's leaves are bigger, a little "beefier".  I love how the leaves look when the sun shines through them!

 

This is Hoya sp. Ban Ngong Ngoy.  It's probably one of the pubicalyx vareties.  Mine got pretty overgrown so I took a bunch of cuttings that are rooted in perlite and ready to be potted up.  All I need is a bit of enthusiasm and a place to put them! 

 

This next one was once a Hoya carnosa 'Krimson Princess', the variegated form with the variegation on the inside of the leaf.  It's an unstable cultivar that tends to revert back to all green.  It makes a very nice clone of carnosa and blooms a lot easier than either 'KP' or the original carnosa...

 

This is one of my Hoya kerriis.  I grow 5 different clones - the common clone, a fuzzy clone ("hairy kerrii"), a textured clone (veining is distinct), variegated and reverse variegated.  I'm guessing from the pot this is in that it's the textured clone.  The flowers are surprisingly different from the common clone! Second photo is the common kerrii.

 

This one is a shot in the dark, but I think it's most likely to be Hoya pubicorolla 'Pink Dragon'...

I thought I had both Pink and Black Dragon, but I'm convinced now that both are probably Pink.

This is one of the small Hoyas, H. memoria.  The whole flower umbel is about 1.5" across.  The lower flowers are in the opening process and the upper umble is open and reflexed.  Very adorable flowers and prolific!

 

This is one of the pubicalyx varieties though I have no idea which one:

There are lots of pub varities.  My favorite is probably 'Bright One' for flowers:

It's the one I chose to be on my "business" card.
 

Oh shit... I just realized I changed my email address recently, so now I have about 200 cards left with the wrong email... Grrr. 

Here's 'Rebecca', the constant bloomer.  First photo is it in bud, second is the open flowers:

Another small one is Hoya inconspicua.  And when it's happy, it blooms often.  Mine hasn't been so happy of late, but it's hanging in there!

 This is one I don't grow anymore.  It has SPECTACULAR  flowers, but the way it grows sucks.  I never had more than two good leaves on it at any given time.  It might have a third now and then, but it's like it really couldn't maintain more than two good leaves, so if it had a third, it looked crappy.  If it grew a new leaf, one would die.  I finally just gave it away.  I'm not a fan of the ones that don't look nice when not in bloom. It isn't worth looking at a crappy plant 11.5 months out of the year to get an umbel of pretty flowers!  Anyway, it's Hoya megalaster, photo one is an umbel opening and two is a single open flower.

 

One that looks very different is Hoya sigillatis.  It's one of the smaller Hoyas, very nice leaves.  It never grew very well for me, but I've recently acquired a different clone that seems to be doing ok.  Here is a flower umbel:

 

I grow several clones of Hoya verticillata and the ones that have bloomed for me look the same:

 

 

Hoya aff. vitellina has caramel colored flowers:

And that's it for today.  I think I feel a little cheerier, but please-oh-please, come out soon sunshine!  

 

 

Our scary future...

This country is in a precarious balance right now.  If Trump gets the nomination for the republican party, that means a) that more than half the republicans think that this hateful, misogynistic, criminal is fit to lead our country (which scares the holy bejesus out of me!); and b) we have to pick between Biden (who I agree probably won't make it through another term) and that Jackass.  I'm registered as an independent, so I can't vote in the primary, but if they would just come up with another candidate, I would be very inclined to vote republican this time.  (Anyone but DeSantis or that Indian guy, who seems like a real SOB...) But if the only choice is Trump, YIKES.  If the republican party really wants a chance, they need to nominate SOMEONE ELSE because I believe the decent people of this country will come out of the woodwork to vote to keep him OUT. He's a menace to decency and an embarrassment to the world.  I can only imagine some of the things that are being said about us around the world as they look on and see how much support is given to a man who tried to challenge our democracy!  While we try to shove democracy down the throats of other countries, they see OUR OWN PRESIDENT challenging the one most important concept of democracy - the right of the people to choose their leader.

And that's my rant for today!  Our snow ended up being around 5"  here.  A little less at the airport, which is always the official amount for Omaha proper, but a lot more in west Omaha.  Columbus got 13"!  They always seem to get it pretty good.  I found a guy on NextDoor to shovel the walks.  When I told him (via text) how much there was to do, he said, "I can do that for $20."  I told him that I've paid $40 in the past and I feel that's very reasonable - I think he must be a desperate fellow (he told me his car is not running right now) and I wasn't about to take advantage of that... He did an awesome job.  And now it looks like we'll get another 4-7" overnight tonight??  I told work just to take me off the schedule until next week.  

********

Started this on Tuesday, I think, and here it is Friday.  We got at least another 7", maybe closer to 10" of snow overnight and today.  A light snow, blowing like crazy so lots of drifting.  What a mess! My guy came by at noon, when it was still snowing pretty good and cleared the majority of it, and he'll come back tomorrow sometime and clean it up.  Even if it had been done snowing, I probably would have had him come by tomorrow due to the drifting.  It is SO cold!  Right now... 4 degrees real-temp, -20 with the windchill.  Horrible!

I don't think I've talked about my new car.  I've been talking about it for a couple years.  I decided I would cash in my life insurance and use the money toward a newer car.  I've been driving my old HHR for 15 years and even though it was low mileage for it's age (under 100k), I was ready for a change.  But then after covid, there was a car shortage and used cars were selling for a premium.  So I waited.  After Mom passed, it made me feel my mortality and got me thinking... how much longer do I have to enjoy a new car??  Why wait!  and why not get what I want?  I had decided, after driving lots of different cars in my work, that I wanted either a Kia Soul or a Mini Cooper.  The Soul was a more practical (cheaper) choice, but the Mini is what I really, really wanted. So around the end of July, I went through the steps to cash in my life insurance. One day, I was delivering a car to Enterprise car sales in west Omaha and behold - there was a Mini sitting right out in that "premium" up-front spot on the sidewalk!  When I dropped off the keys, I asked what they wanted for it.  The sales guy said $24k and some change, which was about $4000 more than my life insurance (but then I get a $1000 discount for being an employee, so really only $3000 more...)  I came home that day, getting home early enough to call my insurance folks and see how much more it would cost to insurance it and it kind of surprised me that it was only about another $75 every 6 months.  Hmm.  Then I started going through my mail which I had grabbed as I came in and what was there but that check from the insurance company!  Sign #2, I figured!

So I had the next day off and went out to talk to them about it.  I ended up buying it and even added an extended warranty (24,000 miles) - I did this mostly because I asked my mechanic about the Minis and he said they are notorious for having some issue with the timing chain at around 65,000 miles as a "just in case".  The car had 43,000 miles on it, so I figured that would get me into that mileage range.  It cost me an extra $1700 and it was probably not worth it, but it gives me a bit of "peace of mind".  Anyway, I found a pic on the web to show what it looks like...

I love it!  It's adorable, it's zippy, a comfortable ride, fun to drive.  Gets around on snow very well...so far!  The dash is so retro.  The app screen is round and has a very cool light around it that can change colors.  It has a decent sound system. All the new features like a backup camera (though with all the new cars I drive for work, I hardly use the camera - I do better with the mirrors...), heated seats which I didn't know at first!  Nice right now!  LOL!  Just wish it had a heated steering wheel... love those when it's cold!  I'm not sure if they're leather seats... I supposed they could be fake leather.  How would I know??  Oh, what I discovered after about a month is when it's dark out and you open the door, a light shines on the pavement with the Mini logo:

 

So cool!!  Anyway, with my insurance money and a little more, I was able to pay cash for it, so no car payment.  YAY!  Though I dread how much more it's going to cost to register it each year!

**********

It's now Saturday, and painfully cold.  Right now:

Look at the "feels like"... FUCK!  I'll take snow all day over this shit.  My snow removal guy was going to come back, but I couldn't let him do that in good conscience.  It's all drifted back over the sidewalks, but the wind is still blowing like a mother, so it'll just fill back in anyway if he does come.  And no one is going to be out walking in this stuff anyway, so I told him I'd see if he can come back in a few days when it warms up a bit.  They said it's going to be like this until Tuesday.  I already told work I don't want to work Monday...

Well, Pearl stole my chair while I was up for a minute, so I'll end this for now.

 

What was I thinking?

 Cox raised my internet service from $55/month to $89/month!  I was furious and decided it was time for a change when they wouldn't budge on the price.  So I found we have two other "high speed" internet services here in town.  Verizon and Quantum.  Quantum has been advertising on TV, so I called them, but learned their parent company is CenturyLink.  And oh boy, have I had troubles with CenturyLink!  but it's been probably 9 or 10 years since my last encounter with them (which was a doozy!) and the rep assured me things are better.  Well, I just got done writing a letter to them that gives all the details, so I won't go into that.  Here's the letter:

To “The Powers That Be” at CenturyLink:

I mistakenly thought I would give your company yet another chance, but true to form, your gross incompetence came shining through!  Over the last 15 years, through a couple name changes, I have tried to use your company for different services in my business, from phone service to internet service and you always manage to screw things up royally!  You keep changing your name… I find names like Lumen, Brightspeed, this Quantum all associated with your name – there are probably others.  It seems you keep trying to rebrand yourselves as “better” and yet you just keep being the same screwed up company.  In other words, shame on me for stupidly thinking it might be better!

I won’t go into some of the past screw ups, one of which would so embarrass anyone with a brain in their head that I’M embarrassed FOR YOU, but I will relay this most recent one.

I talked to someone about changing to Quantum for internet service on Wednesday.  I told the representative how wary I was about trying to do business with a company associated with CenturyLink.  She told me that the problems of the past were behind them and things had come a long way since my last encounter with CenturyLink.  Of course, I’d heard that tune before and once again, I should have listened to my gut and moved along.  But the price was appealing and I was lulled into accepting that this might be true.  So I scheduled an install for Friday and then she sent me over to someone to “confirm” my order.  Which really meant a hard-hitting sales guy who tried really hard to sell me on their satellite dish service.  He almost had me convinced, then my little voice said “let’s make sure they don’t screw up the internet service and if that goes well for a couple months, maybe we’ll take them up on the dish.” Ok, so now I’m patting myself on the back for not being a total patsy!!

 So Friday comes and the appointment is between 11 am and 2 pm.  I get a text around 7:45… “Today’s the day!”  At about 1:30, I get a text that they are running late – will let me know when they’re on their way.  At about 3:30, I get text that says “Sorry, can’t make it today, we’ll be there between 8:00 and 5:00 tomorrow.”  What?  After sitting around for 6 hours, they expect me to sit around another 9 hours on a Saturday??  Uh, I don’t think so!… I called to tell them I wanted a 3 hour window again so I could salvage at least SOME of my day.  You know what the rep told me?  “We can’t be there tomorrow – Monday is the soonest.”  Do you mean that if I had not called, I would have sat here 9 hours waiting for no one to show up?  At this point, it is SO obvious that I am dealing with the same exact BS I’ve dealt with over and over with CenturyLink and I am infuriated.  The rep offered me a $25 gift card “for my inconvenience.”  Oh yeah, right, 6 hours one day, 9 another and then I would have to take off another day because you really couldn’t have been there on Saturday…$25… I guess that shows how valuable you think MY time is!  WOW. I told them to put my order on hold until further notice so I could cool down and think clearer.

 I get up Saturday morning (and BTW, I could have predicted this…) and at 8:15, who do you think is on my doorstep?  Yep, one of your technicians!  Would I have let him in to install if I’d been ready?  Hell no… by now, it’s clear that I’m in for a mountain of trouble if I try to do business with the same old company with a new face.  May I suggest that the only way you are EVER going to fix your problems is to burn the company down and start fresh?  I gave it a shot because I talked to some people on NextDoor who have Quantum and are (so far) happy.  “Give it time” I say.  After the technician went away, I called and formally cancelled my order and asked for my $50 back.  I guess we’ll see if they can handle that or if I’ll have to deal with my bank to get my money back…

I hope this letter makes it to the top, into the hands of some exec who might give a damn.  But it probably won’t.  I’m usually a very eloquent writer and I’m not particularly proud of how I have communicated my frustration, but I really wanted it to come across how angry I am and eloquence doesn’t exactly exude anger. 

And with that, I sign off…

I signed it with the order number and all of my contact information in case someone gives a rats ass and wants more info, though I think I pretty well detailed it all here.  What a fucking joke that company is!  I called Verizon and as it turns out, their lower-speed internet service is $60 (they advertise $35, but that's only if you already have an account with them).  So I called Cox back and told them I had scheduled to have Quantum install and wanted to give them one last chance to keep me as a customer.  They lowered my price back down to the $55 and locked it in for 2 years.  So I guess I'll be dealing with this again in 2026...  What happened to customer service?  

It was a quiet day.  Watched some TV.  Did some puzzling... crossword, jumble, sudoku, jizsaw.  Listened to music.  I didn't even step out onto the porch.  It was a cold and overcast day, like most have been of late.  It's not conducive to motivation... I need sunshine!  Not to imply I'm depressed.  I don't even understand depression.  I know it can be a state of mind and it can also be a chemical imbalance, which I guess is why so many people are on antidepressants.  I'm not sure if it's the way I was raised or if it's just an inherent part of my personality, but I can always find the silver lining in any situation - yes, even gloomy, overcast days.  The clouds keep the warmth in, so if it was clear, it would be colder.  Hottest, muggiest day of the year?  Well, at least I don't live in Florida where it's like this 10 months out of the year! 😀

I got some watering done.  The "for sale" plants... well, lets just say there are going to be casualties.  Ask me if I care?  I'm feeling kind of DONE with rooting common ones.  And trying to sell them.  We're going to do the Farmer's Market again this year, but since I didn't really have success selling much last year, I may try to figure out something else to sell.  I'm working on decoupage jars that I can use to root small cutting in leca.  I have several jars with smaller Hoyas growing in leca around the house and they do very well and look absolutely quaint!  I figure decoupage will attract a certain element of DIY types, maybe lull some people into loving Hoyas (doesn't seem to take much) and maybe end up with some new customers that way.  As for selling on the internet - I may do some of that. Last summer, I went on the NextDoor app and asked for "packing pillows"... those little inflated pillows that come as packing instead of the old-fashioned peanuts.  I got a bunch, but I have one woman who has continued to drop them off several times and is now even collecting them from her friends for me!  I have them coming out of my ears and I'm not sure how to ask her to stop without sounding ungrateful.  I'll probably wait a little longer, just to see if I might pick up on shipping them this spring and appreciate that I'm still getting them from her before I burn that bridge...

I've been thinking a lot about a friend, someone I "dated" (I'm using that term loosely) when I was very young, like 15.  We were always chaperoned, so it was all very innocent.  Our parents belonged to the same church, so we sat together at church, hung out at church functions (they had a youth group), got together at his house when I was in Omaha at my aunt's house.  That sort of thing.  His name is Greg and he was quite the McSmarty Pants.  Very intelligent, well-read.  He tried to get me to read Asimov, which was way above my head at that age!  But I was into Ray Bradbury and some comparable (but less "heady") literature.  He was sweet and kind and we wrote to each other during the week. When there was a rift in the church and it split into two "factions", his parents went one way and my Mom went the other.  He also graduated from HS about that time, and we were just in different places socially at that point, so we saw each other at my aunt's house one day and just kind of said "goodbye" knowing it wasn't going any further than this.  We say each other once more after that, maybe a year or so later and it was clear that it was nothing that was meant to be...

Fast forward.  I found him several years ago - I'm guessing maybe 2007 or so?  It sounded like he had been quite successful.  Went to college and had mostly settled into "technical writing" for a living.  I guess that means "how to" manuals and stuff like that.  Sounds very boring, but like I said - he was a smart fella and I'm sure he was very good at it!  But when I caught up to him, he and his wife of many years (who had been in web design, if I remember correctly) were living in Flagstaff and were in the process of becoming realtors.  And just about the time they got their licenses, the housing market crashed.  Eventually, they lost their home in Flagstaff, but they had another home in California that they were renting out.  So they sent their renters packing and moved there... then proceeded to lose that house as well.  Long story short, they stored a lot of their stuff with PODS and essentially became transient.  They would stay with friends, which would (I'm sure) eventually take a toll and they would move along to another friend's.  And on this went for some time.  And there were times when they were homeless, living out of their van.  I know all of this because he's a true-blue writer and his way of getting that energy out is to send out what he calls "Newzines" to his family and friends.  He talks about what's going on in his life and it's all very interesting as he has a way of engaging his audience!  

Anyway, this saga started in/around 2008 and I figure he was about 53 then.  And here it is, 2024, 16 years later, which makes him 69 I figure.  After they got on SS (his wife was a few years older than him), they got a small apartment.  But then in late 2020, his wife passed away from cervical cancer.  Apparently, they were taking advantage of the rent moratorium during covid, and when that ended the late spring of 2021, he went back to living in his van and has been doing so ever since.  And I still get his Newzines, though hasn't been a religious about it as he once was.  But I worry about him.  He's pushing 70 now, and living a very difficult lifestyle.  Apparently there is a whole community of people living this way, and in fact, I have another friend who has "taken to the road" with a camper, given up his lease, and is living this "boondocking" life, but not out of necessity but out of desire.  

But I wonder about Greg.  I remember that he has two brothers, Mark and Dave.  I wonder why they don't take him in.  He also has a sister back here, but he has NO desire to return to Nebraska, even if it means cheaper living.  Life is so hard for some people.  And looking at someone like him, someone so smart and who had great success, assumably who had some money put away, and seeing how far they could fall financially, it makes me worry about my future.  I mean, I look at what I have and I feel very blessed.  I seem to have enough, but if I live long enough, is it REALLY enough?  (That was a lot of "enoughs"!)  I remember when we sold the business and I put that money away and I thought, "Ok, if I'm careful, I can probably live about 10 years on this."  I didn't understand much about finance, though I was very good at saving (in spite of Mark!) But here it is, 7-1/2 years later and I've still got "enough".  I put the money with Edward Jones (who I had a small IRA with) and told them I am not a risk taker and they put some in the market and some in "safer" stuff and it has panned out well for me.  As I said, I feel blessed.

And now, off to think about supper!

Ode to the bullet dodged...

Ok, there's no ode, but there is definitely a dodged bullet!  Paul was my first husband.  We had some good times, but as I grew into adulthood (we married as soon as I got out of HS), I came to realize the "ride" was not the direction I wanted my life to go.  He was always pretty church-oriented, and church was NEVER my thing.  Preachy, always right, judgemental... I think he really tried to subdue some of these traits, but I always felt him "holding them back", probably because he knew those things turned me off.  And I have a feeling that once we split, his desire to be the self-righteous know-it-all took off like a bat out of hell!  Since he retired, some of his posts to FB have been infuriating.  I try to resist comment, because I've always been of the opinion "live and let live" and if someone wants to hold oppressive, archaic and sanctimonious viewpoints, that's none of my business.  

Here's his recent post that's been buzzing around my head like an annoying fly:

     Ever wonder how much power the devil has? We know that he only has the power that God has allowed him to have. And he is a created being, an angel that rebelled against God. So he has less power than God.

     But consider this. Jesus, the Son of God, and God in human flesh, was led by the Holy Spirit into the wilderness and after forty nights was tempted to change stones into bread, because He was hungry, and of course, Jesus refused to give in to the temptation.

     Then according to Matthew 4, the devil first TOOK Jesus from the wilderness and had Jesus stand on the highest point of the temple and tempted Him, which of course, Jesus chose to reject the devil's offer.

     Following that, the devil TOOK Jesus, God in flesh, from the highest point of the temple to a very high mountain and again tempted Jesus, but again, Jesus rejected satan's temptation.

     If God, the Father, allowed the devil to TAKE Jesus, God in human flesh, from one place to another simply to test Jesus, then think about this.

     Could God allow satan to TAKE you from one physical place to another physical place if he so desired, to tempt you? Most of us do not need to be physically TAKEN, we simply need to be presented with a temptation, to fail, and satan knows that.

     The only power we have to resist the devil is to turn our lives over to God and allow the Holy Spirit to give us the power to resist Satan. Without the power that comes to each of us who believe in Jesus when the Holy Spirit comes and lives within us, we cannot resist the temptations that the devil and his spirits TAKE us too.

     But because we believe in Jesus, we know that the Holy Spirit comes into us to give us the power to say, “ Away from me, satan.” And because God is all powerful, the devil and/or his spirits have to obey.

     The best part: You can be free from anything the devil TAKES you to. All you have to do is allow Jesus full authority in your life. It's the hardest and easiest thing you will ever do.

Okey-dokey. I don't even know where to start... I won't even go into my opinion about The Bible because it has become abundantly clear to me that most people have been brainwashed and convinced of its validity.  Of course I believe in God.  But I certainly do NOT believe in the God that is portrayed in The Bible!  That guy is a vengeful, hateful son-of-a-bitch!  My God, on the other hand, is loving, never violent, always benevolent... He created us and loves us for all we are, in spite of our shortcomings, in spite of our worst "sins".  "Right" and "wrong" are concepts that are built into us and comes in the form of a conscience, and none of us need to stop and think "am I breaking a commandment"?  None of us need to ask for forgiveness from God.  He created us and he accepts us for who we are, no matter what. Our conscience guides us and when we don't listen, we may have something to apologize to ourselves for, and sometimes there is an injured party that needs an apology.  But God is simply an observer, sometimes a confidant, someone who we inherently love and look to for strength.  

When people start touting the concept of the Devil, it's all about one thing.  Control.  And that's why Hell and all of that was made up.  To control. To "keep people in line".  But think about this to its logical conclusion... Why would a good, pure, loving God create a monster like the Devil to torture his children for eternity?  Does that sound like a God you want to worship?  Not me!  "Oh, Satan was a 'fallen angel' who turned evil."  Well, God is his creator, and as so, he certainly could have destroyed him to protect his children, right?  Or at the very least, he could have denied him the power to "take" his children to a place of eternal damnation, assuming it exists.  But no... the Bible Thumpers would rather believe that God would let the creature come into our lives and "tempt" us to do bad things that take us away from God's grace and condemns our souls to Hell. Really?  You believe in THAT God?

I guess if some people want to believe in that God, that's their prerogative.  The concept of the vengeful God was what always completely turned me off about traditional religion and kept me looking for the truth.  Because I do not believe for a moment that the story that The Bible paints could possibly be true.  And if I'm mistaken and it IS, that explains the human propensity for war and hatefulness towards each other.  It's everywhere in The Bible.  

I don't believe we have anything to be "saved" from.  Jesus was an extraordinary human being whose message contradicted the violent message of the Old Testement, the one that was meant to control the masses.  His message threatened the powers that be of the time, and he was crucified to stop his message from changing the status quo.  I don't believe Jesus was any closer to God than any of the rest of us, except in the fact that he maintained his connection to God (I call it "source") better than most of us do.  What I'm trying to say is that I don't think we have to "accept a Savior" to be in God's good graces.  We are born into pure positive love and nothing we can do here on earth will stop us from returning to pure positive love when we leave these bodies behind. The only "hell" that exists is the one we create here when we ignore our God-given conscience.  

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Well, it's the first day of the new year.  2023 started out pretty rough.  I'm at that point, as I was after Mark died, where I'm regularly thinking "a year ago right now..." about where Mom was in her process.  I don't really remember any specifics about Jan. 1st last year, but I just remember the feeling of that time.  Sadness that I couldn't be more helpful, that she was feeling so miserable.  I just tried to be there for her and do what I could for her.  But I'd rather not dwell there...

I'm hopeful that 2024 will have better times.  My hip is not responding as well as I'd hoped to the soft wave therapy, so I'm thinking about stopping that and just getting on with Dr. Jana and a hip replacement.  I just worry a bit that this time, I'm on my own with no one to assist me.  It wasn't a really difficult recovery with the other hip.  In fact, it was pretty darn easy.  But the first few days, I needed a bit of help... not much, mind you.  I could pretty much take care of myself, but it was more about having someone there "just in case".  I think if I asked Aunt Judi, she would come back and hang with me for a few days.  I may give that some thought...

I'm going to apply for the property tax relief now that I'm 65, but I guess it wouldn't be effective until next year, meaning I have to come up with the $4000 this year.  ($1000 more than last!)  I'll manage it, but it just seems everything keeps going up and up.  I swear, groceries cost me more just for ME than it did for Mark & I.  Of course, I eat out a lot less, so I am saving money there.  Gas is now more than electric.  A little over a year ago, I bought one of those devices that's supposed to "clean up" your electricity and make everything more "efficient".  It touts reducing you electric bill by 50%, even up to 80% or something like that.  Well, I looked at my usage for the 12 months after I bought it and 9 of them were MORE than the year before!  Seems to be having the opposite effect for me! GRRR!

Well, dinner is almost ready so I will stop here.