Long time...

Wow, looks like my last post was over 4 months ago!  I guess going back to work, even though only 2 days a week, has kept me occupied!  That's a good thing.  It's kept me from focusing so much on my back/hip pain.  And thankfully, that has gotten better.  I think some of that is because I've been distracted by work.  I noticed immediately that when I was at work, I didn't hurt as much.  Abraham says focus amplifies - whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.  I'm convinced!  On my work days, I feel better.  When I'm home all day, I notice all the little aches and pains.  I think this is why people decline once retired...

Anyway, I am better.  I'm now done with the intense decompression therapy that I was doing 2x a week.  The improvement has been soooo slow, and back and forth... that it has been hard to see the progress.  I would have one "good" day (which means less pain, not no pain) here and there.  Then it became a little more frequent, like maybe 2 "good" days in a week.  These good days have gotten more frequent, and now I have more of those than "bad" days (and "bad" days are not as bad as they were 6 months ago...)  And the pain I'm having now, I believe, is more about weakness from lack of use than whatever it was before.  I think (I should say Dr. Corey believes, so I'm convinced) that it is/was a pinched nerve, and (hopefully) the decompression has relieved that.  So now I'm going every 2 weeks for "maintenance".  Expensive, but doable.  

I also added soft-wave therapy a few weeks ago.  I'm sure that has something to do with the improvement as well.  I've got 3 more treatments of that. Here is how google defines soft-wave... 

SoftWave Therapy is a non-invasive, regenerative treatment that uses broad-focused acoustic shockwaves to stimulate tissue healing, reduce pain and improve mobility. 

As it has been explained to me, the waves draw blood flow into the area (which induces healing) and causes the body to produce stem cells that also heal.  As much time and money as I've committed to this, I SHOULD be feeling better!  And I can honestly say that for the first time in a long, long time, I feel real hope that maybe, just maybe, I have a gimp-free future coming!  My next commitment needs to be about building my strength and repairing those weakened muscles.

Now, on to other things!  The winter has been... well, not bad.  More warm days that normal, seems like.  A lot of back-and-forth.  Warm spells followed by cold spells.  This weekend, we had a little snow storm that looked rather blizzard-ish, but really didn't amount to much snow.  But the wind blew like a mother!  I don't think it was quite as bad as they thought it would be, but boy did it HOWL.  It got terribly cold overnight - it was 8 degrees this morning with a wind chill in the negative teens.  The GH and kitchen were sooo cold!  Probably down into the 50s.  Today, it's sunny and will get to 25, but by Friday, the forecast says it will be in the mid-80s!!!  Wow...

I've lost a lot of plants this winter.  My pain kept me from giving them the care they really needed, so I've had losses.  This is the kind of thing that shows you which ones are really tough and which ones... not so much.  And it's fine.  I've decided to see it as a blessing in disguise.  I'm getting older and it's getting harder to keep up.  It's ok to thin the herd, tune in on what I really want to keep.  Less is more.  I'd like to spend more time enjoying them, maybe a little less time watering and grooming them.  I'm not going to invest in any more fussy plants. I won't say "no more Hoyas", but I think I'm kind of "over" my obsession with them.  So I'm going to focus more on my "little" plants... Haworthias and small succs.  Any Hoyas that aren't SPECTACULAR will be whacked back and set on the back porch.  If they come back by fall gloriously, great.  If not, into the trash bin they go!

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A couple weeks ago, Laurie and I went over to Lincoln where Kevin, our favorite psychic, spent the day at a "new age" store called Euphoria.  He was doing sessions for $40/15 minutes and we sat with him for half an hour.  It was, as usual, amazing!  Both Mark and Mom came through.  He said they sit on the front porch "smoking" and watching me come and go.  Of course, they both spent so much time out there smoking...  And of course we all know they don't really "smoke" in the afterlife, but it's a good way for them to show him what's familiar to me.  I get mostly the same messages each time, and that's ok... it's just very comforting to know they're here.  Laurie heard from her dad, a message she really needed to hear telling her she needs to limit her contact with her daughter, who treats her like shit.  I hope she listens...

And this last week, I had so many messages from all of them... Mark, Mom, Wes, and even Thelma!!!  So many that I'm starting to worry they're trying to warn me about something.  Wed. was the first day - I was out and about and I kept seeing the numbers they often show me.  Over and over.  So many in such a short time that I thought "I need to be wary of something, but what?"  And I paid careful attention all the way home with no close calls.  But then I got home and as I was walking to the house, I tripped and went careening into the porch shelf right by the mailbox!!  I didn't fall, but it was close!  There was another moment a bit later when I was a little... well, not exactly dizzy, but I faltered just a bit when I was walking.  Now mind you, my footing is unstable because of my back and these things can happen when we're not operating at 100%.  But I thought maybe the message is to be mindful...

Like that wasn't enough, I worked on Thurs. and while in Des Moines with my chase driver Pat, I saw a license plate with 777.  I pointed it out to Pat and explained that triple numbers are a message from my brother.  And 7s are my "favorite" numbers, so it was kind of an extra "feel good" message.  Pat smirked a bit, which is typical for a lot of people, especially religious people who have a more traditional view of what happens after death.  So we headed back to Omaha and it wasn't 20 minutes later we come up behind a car with... 777 again!  I pointed it out and Pat just said "HUH!"  I saw this happen once before.  I get plenty of triple numbers, but rarely do I get the same two in a row.  (Once I was sitting at a stop light behind a car with triple 7s and a truck came around the corner with triple 7s!  It was one of those real attention-getters!!)  So maybe another half our down the road, we came up behind a big-rig - they all have a number stamped on the back, I assume it identifies that specific cargo container and it's usually a 6 digit number.  Well, this one ended in 777!!!  Pat's response this time was, "Well, that's a little weird!"  LOL!

So the clincher happened on Friday.  I was off and home most of the day.  About mid-morning, I noticed a penny right in the middle of one of my leather chairs.  The leather is kind of ecru, so the penny was a stark contrast.  I was sitting at the table and just kind of shrugged it off.  Maybe it fell out of my pocket?  I don't really sit on that chair, but I do sit there for a moment each morning when I put on my pants and shoes and my first thought was that the penny fell out of my pocket.  I often wear the same pants 2 days in a row, but later I thought, wait a minute - I brought up fresh pants last night.  Hmm.  Then my next thought was, what are the chances it's a wheat penny?  So I'll explain that thought...

Back in the late 90's, Ann Landers had a letter about "pennies from heaven".  Someone who was convinced that she got a message from a passed relative when she found a pile of pennies someplace unusual...  This evoked an avalanche of letters from people over the next several months, about coins that were "messages." When Mark's mom died... this was Xmas time 1998... I was hoping for a sign from her, but I told Mark, "How would I ever know if she sent pennies from heaven when you shed change constantly??"  And he did!  I was constantly picking up his change, and when we finished the basement and he spent all his time down there (where I insisted it was HIS job to clean up!), the floor was always covered with change!  Anyway, after she died, I suddenly started finding wheat pennies.  Over the next couple months, I probably found a dozen or so.  If you watch for them, you will find a wheat penny now and then.  I've watched for them the last quarter of a century since she died and I may, MAY find one or two a year.  So I always felt I could safely say those dozen pennies were an "I'm ok" message from Thelma...

Now that I've told this story, it's obvious that the mystery penny on the chair was, indeed, a wheat penny.  Which easily could have been one of those "one or two" I find a year because I can't remember the last time I found one.  But it's happenstance placement kind of screamed "message!"  Many of the others I'd gotten came that same way - one sat squarely in the middle of my seat in the car.  They were always somewhere by themselves, in a "weird" place.  So a bit later that same day, I walk through the kitchen and there's a penny on the floor.  I walked by it several times, thinking there wasn't s snowball's chance in hell that it would be another wheat penny, but my curiosity got the better of me eventually and I picked it up.  Another wheat penny!  First one was 1957, this one was 1953.  

So 3 days in a row.  Very, very distinct, almost shouting messages.  What are they trying to say?  I stayed home Saturday and Sunday, and haven't gone anywhere today.  Maybe I've avoided whatever it may be telling me.  Or maybe they're trying to say something positive?  "Play the lottery?"  "You're about to cross paths with someone who will change your life?"  "Trust your instincts that your physical well-being is improving?"  I just don't know what to think!!

And that's how I will end today's ramblings.  I hope to have lots of fun things to report soon about my plants!

And on it goes...

Well, I've been frustrated with the lack of progress that I've had since vigilantly going to the Chiropractor for almost a month.  Did I write about this new chiropractor?  She's Vietnamese - Dr. Tammy Le.  I discovered her completely by accident, or more specifically... the universe led me to her.  I discovered my old chiropractor in LaVista had closed (temporarily, according to the sign on his door, but a call to his office number finds it is disconnected...) and it was a Friday and I had a neck misalignment that needed immediate attention, or I would be in for a miserable weekend.  I sat in the car and started calling chiropractors, trying to find one that would see me right away.  This Dr. Le was the first one that agreed to see me, and after filling out much paperwork and getting an xray, she adjusted me.  But she also went the extra mile... she spent about 30 minutes talking to me, using a vibrator on my neck and upper back (where I was having spasms as a result of the misalignment...) and then one of those clicker tools many of them use.  I talked to her extensively about my lower back and hip paid because I got such a good vibe from her.  She saw me twice more and then suggested that I needed intensive, 3 times a week adjustments and therapy and worked up a plan to the tune of about $450 out of my pocket.  But considering the time she spent with me, it was a bargain!!  HOWEVER, the results, in the end, were minimal.  

I don't want to downplay it in any way - it did help.  I went from constantly (even at home) using a cane with severe pain with every step to mostly NOT using the cane around the house, and using it intermittently when out.  But... still pain.  If I'm sitting, I'm fine.  An occasional twinge, sometimes stiffness, but pretty ok.  But the moment I get up and start to walk, there's the pain. Most times, the first several steps aren't bad.  But around step 10, it really starts to fire up.  And so when I'm out, I take my cane everywhere, though I don't always use it.  I have "good" days, which means pain in the range of say 4 (out of 10)... but again, only when I'm up walking.  I'm grateful, of course, that I'm fine when I sit, but the bad thing about that is the more I sit, most likely the worse it's getting. So here I am, after almost a month of what I'd consider pretty intensive chiropractic care that has included ultra-sound therapy and manipulation, and I can't get under the number 4.  

So a week ago, my neck was hurting me again.  Dr. Le is truly a godsend when it comes to the spine and is good with her therapies.  But she is not very good at adjusting my neck.  If you have been to chiropractors, you probably know that some are good at neck adjustments, some are very so-so, and some just aren't good at all.  Dr. Le is just not aggressive enough - she claims it's because I have a couple of fused vertebrae at the base of my neck and she's "being cautious".  And so I went out to see the chiropractor I've been seeing for the last couple years who also does acupuncture.  (The other one I talked about earlier, who's practice is temporarily closed, came before Dr. Corey...)  Dr. Corey is very good at getting my neck back in place - the trouble is that he's only in the office Monday - Wednesday, so if I'm desperate, I need someone else to see the other days... So I went out to see him because my neck was bothering me, and I admitted to him that I'd been going to another chiropractor (I called her a "PT chiropractor") and that I wish I could get further with this whole back/hip issue I was having.  

Dr. Corey had told me a couple months ago about this other therapy he offered called "spine decompression."  He told me about it after he took xrays of my back, but at that time he said "It's expensive and your back may not warrant spending the money right now."  That was the point at which I started looking into the idea of PT to see if that might help...  Well, during this recent visit, and after I detailed him about how bad my back/hip had gotten, he convinced me that I should consider this "decompression therapy."  He threw out a number of "around $3500 for a 3-month, 2x week commitment", and after some consideration, I thought I can hang on to $3500 and be miserable, or I can be $3500 poorer and maybe, MAYBE, have a shot at going back to my life.  So I got the plan, which is really more like $4000 with the attached chiropractic care, and I'm going to pull it from one of my IRAs and go for it.  Today, I was there and I did a test run... it was about 10 minutes on the machine, and I guess it will be 28 minutes each time in the future.  They want to know that my body can tolerate it - it has sensors that show if you're having muscle spasms and how well it's working, and everything looked good.  Well, when I was done, and started walking, wow... it felt so much better!  I hate to even say it, I hate to be that hopeful!  Of course, it didn't last long.  By the time I drove home, it was back to feeling the same, but it WAS only 10 minutes!  So fingers crossed...

So I start that therapy Monday at 11 a.m.  I hope that the 8 sessions I'll have before the end of the year (it might be a little less due to the holidays) will get me back into enough shape that I can go back to work after the first of the year.  I really miss my work peeps!!  

I got a somewhat nasty letter from the CPAP people a few days ago - "you have not been in compliance, using your CPAP less than 4 hours a night!"  So it looks like they're going to take it away from me.  (Oh, darn...can you hear my drippy sarcasm??)  They said I MUST make an appointment with my GP and call them to tell them the date and time.  (Even my GP doesn't understand that...) So I called to let them know I'd made the appointment, and asked if there was a chance they would give me an extension to try longer.  No, BCBS won't do that.  Okey dokey!  I asked if I had enough time to be compliant if I found a way to tolerate it for 4 hours a night and he said no, I only had a few days left.  Sooo... I've had 3 nights of glorious sleep without that fucking thing! 

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I'm going to pack it back into its case and wait for them to call and ask me to return it.  I'm going to try out one of these "adjustable" dental appliances I see online to see if that might help (thought how would I know since I already sleep like a baby?)  And I'm hopeful that once I get the weight off, the apnea will resolve itself. 

I'm tired of dealing with all these little health issues.  But I think I'm moving in the right direction.  My A1C is down to 5.6, and I was told that if I can maintain that for at least 6 months (or, God willing, go lower), I will be considered NOT diabetic, not even PRE-diabetic anymore.  I'm down around 35 lbs., and though I've been somewhat "stuck" for the last month, it's going in the right direction.  I have total resolve in sticking with it.  As for my glaucoma, after the procedure I had 3 weeks ago, my pressure came down from somewhere in the mid-40s to the high 20s.  They want it below 20, but they did say it can take 6 weeks for it to come down.  But happily, the pressure in my right eye was back down to 17, which is pretty good.  So I'm addressing that as well and hope everything is moving in the right direction with it.    

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I wrote the above about 9 days ago, so I've been to my first two decompression therapy sessions.  What do I think?  Well, I'm cautiously optimistic I guess.  Do I hurt less?  Depends on when you ask me!  The day after my first one, hell no!  It was miserable!  But the next day, by the time I went in for my second round, it was better, but not "better" as in "I think it's working" but "better" as in "better than yesterday".   Now it's Saturday, so I'm 3 days from my 2nd treatment and I still have no concrete opinion about it.  The sense of relief (or not) is still a day-to-day, sometimes even hour-to-hour feeling.  Yesterday was pretty decent for most of the day, but then around the time I started on supper, it got gnarly.  But by the time I came up at bedtime, it was a little better again.  I remain hopeful...

In the evenings, right after supper, I go downstairs to watch TV, catch up on the various series I enjoy.  A little over a year ago, I bought one of those old-fart seated pedaling exercisers.  They advertise them on TV always with some old coot (or cootette!) pedaling away.  I was experiencing a little swelling in my lower legs and between that and the fact that a) I have arthritis and b) I don't get much exercise because of my gimpy-ness, this might help with all of that.  When I got it, I was surprised to find that it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be!  Wow, that made me realize just how bad it's gotten!  I started out on a slower speed, maybe setting 3 (of 10) and went as long as I could, which I think was maybe a half hour.  I committed to doing it every night and building on that and now, 13 months later, I spend at least 90 minutes, sometimes 2 hours or more, and I've been up to setting 7, though lately, with my soreness, I backed off one setting so I can go longer rather than faster.  And it helps.  It's keeping all those lower joints "loose", which I'm sure helps a lot with the arthritis.  To be honest, if it wasn't for this damn back issue and the havoc it's wreaking on my body, I would feel like a million bucks!

Now, on to other-than-health stuff!  I focus way too much on that right now! 

I got the Christmas decorations upstairs, thankfully before the stair-lift broke down!  The damn thing quit working about a week ago - since Mom died, it's been my "dumb waiter" for moving things up from and down to the basement.  And boy is it handy!  I can't go downstairs with an arm-full of stuff anymore because I need to use the rail for my unsteadiness.  So it has become a necessity, more or less.  Especially with the kitty litter!  That shit is HEAVY!  (No pun intended...)  I had to struggle a bag of used litter up the stairs a couple days ago using the "set it on a step, go up two steps and move it up" method to get it to the top of the stairs.  What a hassle!  They can't come out until the week of Xmas to fix it, so until then... I'm stuck doing it the way other old folks do it, I guess.  This, of course, makes me appreciate the fact that I have the thing at all!  It does make me feel good to get use out of it, though.  I had it installed for Mark, and he used it all of one time before going into the hospital, and then the home, never returning home to use it again.  Then Mom used it for the year she lived here.  I've never wanted to use it as it's intended for two reasons... I don't want to become that old person that needs a stairlift, and to be honest, I'm a little afraid of it.  As heavy as I am (yes, that's improving, but still...), I have this fear that it will break and I'll fall down the stairs.  I'm sure it's an unfounded fear because I think I read that it has a 350 lb. capacity, but whatever keeps me off of it is ok by me!

Anyway, back to my Christmas decorations.  I got rid of most of them years ago, but I like the festive feel of having a few things put around.  I usually put them out around the first of December, then put them away mid-January when the days start to feel a little longer.  I think it's a great distraction from the bitter cold and dark of winter.  So here are a few photos for posterity - for the future times when I may not be in a place, time or condition to decorate, so I can look back with fondness.  In my dining room (where I put most of it as that's where I spend most of my time at the table...), on the armoire...

That second pic is a jewelry tree that Mark's mom made.  She told me she had made it years before she gave it to me, and in fact she said she worked on it for years and years, using mostly old jewelry, like broken chains, half of a lost earring set, probably things she got at garage sales or thrifts stores... It's fascinating to just sit and look at!  There's even a teeny-tiny pic of Mark when he was a boy on there!  Every year when I get it out, I spend some time just studying it and appreciating all the work that went into it.  And I'm so honored that she gave it to ME!  There were things she wanted me (and Mark) to have when she died.  She had a little notebook with the names and things she wanted to be passed on.  But when she died, Bernie couldn't deal with it and none of that stuff was ever distributed.  When he died nine years later, his family got everything and either they didn't find her notebook or didn't care to honor her wishes.  

On the China cabinet...

I love plush Christmas trees and I'm always on the lookout for a new one.  We were able to put up Christmas trees at one time, but the cats I had then were older and not interested in them.  I discovered when I had younger cats that a traditional tree does not work with cats, so these are my version of a tree!  Can't fit much under them, but gifts are a thing of the past for me.  We quit doing that years ago.  I only get stuff for Merry's grandkids now...

I have my metal tree grove on the wall...

The butterflies have been there since Mom came to live with me, but I add the holiday ornaments and pinecones for the holiday feel.

Doorway to the sunroom...

Those side garnishments are old Avon pieces that I've had for years.  A couple years ago, I spruced them up a bit with some mini tree ball ornaments. More plush Christmas trees...

I just got the two white ones from an Etsy crafter.  

And here's a nice bowl of ornaments I put right by the front door...

So nothing fancy, nothing that takes too much time to put out.  Just enough to give me a month of festive distraction from the dead of winter!

Speaking of winter, I'm in for the count this weekend!  Today's high is 13 and it's supposed to get down to zero overnight.  Yikes.  There was a time when I didn't mind the cold, but I'm growing to hate it.  If I was an adventurous soul, I might consider moving to a more temperate climate.  I would still want the change of seasons, but it would be nice to be someplace where it was less extreme...I don't mind the 20s, but anything under that is just too much for me anymore.

Oh, one more pic I wanted to share.  I got this really nice insulated coffee mug from my Florida bud, Marco, for my birthday...

I love it because it's the perfect size - my old insulated mug didn't fit under my Kuerig without removing the base.  And the sentiment is so sweet... and the color, one of my favorites!  My gift to myself...

I'd been wanting to replace a little end table that sat here (dining room) for a while.  I found this on the NFM website and they were having a sale - most things there are already well under SRP, but most furniture was discounted additionally, then I had a flyer that let me take another 11% off, so it brought it down to about $275 w/tax.  This was one of the very few solid wood bookshelves they offered.  It's made of sheesham wood, which I had never heard of until I found this piece!  It's absolutely gorgeous with its highly contrasting colors!  I just love it.  And it's SO solid.  Of course, as I usually do, I looked around the internet to see if I could find it cheaper and boy was I surprised when I found it on Wayfair for $450 with a SRP of nearly $900!!  I felt like I got quite a deal!

And that's about all I have to talk about today!  Plants are maintaining, but nothing new to report.  Hopefully, I'll have good things to report about my back very soon!

Another year...

Well, another year has gone by... I turned 67 this week.  Where has the time gone?! It just flies by SO fast!  I said it in another recent post - getting older seems to evoke memories of good times, tough times, makes you think about the road taken and sometimes, the road not taken.  I think that when you are in a good place in your life, you don't have a lot of regrets, and that's where I am.  But you still wonder how different your life might have been IF... 

There were times over the years when I'd wonder if I would have been better off if I hadn't divorced my first husband, Paul.  He was ambitious and helpful, two qualities Mark didn't really possess.  Oh, Mark worked hard (I think) when he worked, but he was perfectly happy to be laid off and do absolutely nothing.  He never tried to take advantage of his stretches of no work by "getting things done."  He was perfectly content to be a slug, not even lifting a hand when he wasn't working and I was.  I likely would have been more financially secure had I stayed put.  But money does not equal happiness...

Paul grew up in a very religious home, and this aspect of his life was just part of who he was (and is).  I, on the other hand, grew up with a mother who was always in search of "the truth", and that did not necessarily mean traditional religion.  She did go through that phase of trying out different churches and their interpretations of the Bible.  And we (meaning me, my brother and sister) went along for the ride as children.  So I had a good working knowledge of what the Bible said, and to be perfectly frank, it always seemed like "the big lie" to me. Not that it doesn't have a lot of good stories that have value, but the directional part of it seemed completely out of sync with what my heart was telling me "God" is all about.  So we were never on the same page about that.  But when I was young (I was 18 when we married), I went along with his need to be part of a church... it never felt "good" to me.  When I got to be in my mid-twenties, I started to feel the need to be autonomous and didn't want to "play along" anymore.  

And that's when we split.  One regret I have is that I couldn't bring myself to be honest about why... I knew that if I told him this biggest reason for leaving, he probably would have left his church to appease me.  It's who he was.  He was so afraid of being alone, he would have sacrificed his own happiness (even his "soul") to keep me.  This is not a testimonial to how great I was - it's only an illustration of how dependent he was.  I remember a few years after we split, Mom confessed to me that he visited her after I moved out, trying to get her to push me to come back.  When she refused to get involved, he told her, "If she doesn't come back, I'll just find someone else to marry as I can legally."  Of course, this revelation gave me an "aha" moment... We got together when I was 17 right after his first wife (who he married when he was almost 18 and she was barely 16...) filed for divorce after only 6 months of marriage.  I was his "next warm body."  Oh boy, does that make a girl feel special! 

Paul and I were married for 8 years, and they were good years for the most part.  But I matured and I needed more freedom to have my own interests, my own friends.  Paul yearned for what his grandparents had - the kind of relationship where we did EVERYthing together, spending every minute together, lots of PDAs...  And all of this was nice when I was 18.  But by the time I was 25, I felt smothered.  But how do you tell someone who's just trying to be loving to "back off"?  It sounds cruel.  I couldn't be that directly cruel, but I think not being clear was another kind of cruel, and I regret that.  I guess I thought that I may not be strong enough to be firm if he offered to "change".  I didn't want him to change.  He needed to be with someone who would appreciate who he was.  And I guess this is why 18 is probably really too young to marry.  I thought I was very mature, and in most ways, I was.  But what I didn't realize is how much I would change over the next few years...

One thing that he did (before he left the Air Force) was have a vasectomy.  "We" decided when we were dating that we didn't want kids.  So this was the next step so I could get off the pill.  Looking back, I realize he did this for me.  After he married his 3rd wife, he got his vasectomy reversed (he and my brother were still close and that's how I heard about it.)  At first, I thought "Well, of course his new wife wants kids..."  But it got me thinking.  When we were dating in high school, his mom was babysitting several kids.  Paul was really good with the kids, and he was even good with babies.  I'd bet my bottom dollar that he only went along with my desire not to have kids to appease me.  I bet he really did always want children.  They weren't able to conceive their own, but they did adopt a son eventually.  And though I wish that they had been able to have one (or more) of their own, I'm glad he got to have the experience of parenthood because I think he probably was a good dad...  And that would have been something he never experienced had we stayed together.

Even though my marriage to Mark was far from perfect, and I bitched a lot about his shortcomings, it allowed me to "find myself".  I always hated that phrase, but I get what it means.  I just wish there was a different way of saying it because it sounds trite.  What it means to me is I was able to find my individuality, free of another person.  Mark was very independent, never jealous, never needed affirmation or ego-boosting.  He let me do what I enjoyed, spend time with friends or family as I wanted, never complained that we didn't do enough together.  We didn't have a lot of common interests, and maybe it would have been nice to have a few more, but it helped me find my own way to happiness that didn't depend on someone else.  

We weren't that lovey-dovey couple, but our love was more like monogamous best friends (with benefits of course) with our own lives.  Our communication was good - we talked a lot about work, our interests (his golfing and my plant obsession), our common interests (music, politics, current events, life...) So even though our lives didn't cross over in a lot of areas, we always came together at the end of the day for conversation.  

So what this life created for me was a sense of confidence and self-awareness that I probably wouldn't have had if I'd stayed married to Paul because our lives would have been much more intertwined.  When Mark died, I had no problem going on alone.  If we had a more traditional marriage, lives more entangled and more dependent on each other, I probably would have felt more "lost".  After he died, I made it a point to tell him (yes, I still talk to him) I appreciated the fact that he had a hand in how strong I felt in looking ahead and seeing a future alone.  I have felt no need to pursue a new relationship because I'm just fine on my own.  I'm happy where I am...

Another "road not taken" was a higher education.  When Paul went into the Air Force, the plan was for him to get an associate degree and then I would get some college, what we could afford, after he got out.  My parents couldn't afford to help with tuition, so I would have to take a class at a time, while working.  Well, Paul was just getting settled in a great job with OPPD (our power company) when we split.  I took a few classes over the next few years - some writing classes, an accounting class and some other business classes.  Other than the writing classes, it was mostly drudgery in my mind, more or less like school had been.  But I think I did pretty damn good without a formal degree.  I worked office jobs, everything from clerical work to administrative.  I worked as a full-charge bookkeeper and eventually office manager at an HVAC company.  

And all of that experience served me well when I came into Mom's catering and party venue business.  After about 10 years of helping her grow the business (I had better business acumen, but she was the better "people person"), and working for a lot less than I was making with the HVAC company, she gave me half the business including half the property.  It was hard earned - I was grateful that Mark had gotten into the union and was making a good living so that I could afford to work for less as the business grew.  And by the time we sold the business 11 years later, the property values had soared in Pappillion and we got a good price for the building and contents, plus the value of the business (which wasn't nearly what we thought it should be...)  It gave me a decent nest egg to retire on.  Not exactly a mountain of money, but a hill that will sustain me as long as I live practically.  The house is paid for, though a 100+ year old house does require a LOT of maintenance!  

So I don't feel that I "missed the boat" by not getting a degree.  It's possible I would have a bigger "hill" of money if I had, but on the other hand, I never had student loans to pay off, so maybe not!

In the big picture, I'm perfectly content with my life as it is right now.  I have friends that I can depend on.  I am financially secure.  I've got pretty much everything I want.  My 3 cats are happy and healthy, though Pearl - at 17 - is approaching her transition over the Rainbow Bridge.  When you have pets, it's something you can't avoid and you kind of prepare yourself as they age.  I just try to appreciate the time I have with her... 

The biggest thing right now is my health.  Not that it's bad, but it definitely needs work!  I'm on a journey to lose weight and get healthier.  I'm working on my joint/back issues, seeing a chiropractor 3 times a week which I will continue to do until things vastly improve.  At that point, I will be diligent about sustaining that with regular visits.  I've gotten my BP under control and my A1C is down.  My diet in general is greatly improved - way fewer carbs, much more protein, lots of veggies... I'm learning to substitute more diet friendly ingredients. 

I'm anxious to get back to work.  I think the last time I worked was mid-September.  After a few weeks, I filled out paperwork to take a hiatus until after the first of the year, but I'd like to get back sooner if I can. I miss my work buds...

And that's enough for now.  I have a crazy day tomorrow (Monday).  FOUR doc appointments!!  Dentist (routine cleaning and MAYBE something else), Ophthalmologist (to check my eye pressure after a little procedure two weeks ago), the nurse practitioner who put me on Ozempic (for a blood draw to see how it's affecting me) and then the chiropractor.  I'll be exhausted tomorrow night!  😵

Celebrate and...

 I've now been on my diet for 3 months - it will be 13 weeks this coming Wednesday.  Weight Watchers + Ozempic (for what is now true diabetes, but should also help with the weight loss...)  A couple weeks after I started dieting but before I went on Ozempic, I was at an appointment to see the nurse practitioner who specializes in hormone imbalance/metabolic issues and she weighed me - I had lost about 9 pounds in the first two weeks.  But I've dieted often enough (and known people who diet) to know that the first 10 lbs is usually water weight than comes off when you start eating better, so I didn't get too excited.  Two weeks later, I saw her again and I had lost a whopping one pound in that 14 days!  Oh boy... what a disappointment, but not exactly unanticipated.  Last time I tried WW (which was back in 2018), I don't think I ever got much past that first 10 pounds...

So I've been avoiding the scale.  I didn't want the disappointment of knowing all my hard work isn't netting much and I didn't want to give myself an excuse for giving up.  But I've been very good and very meticulous and mindful.  I've noticed little changes in the way clothes fit me, but nothing that screams WOW.  And as far as seeing any changes - nope!  But my mantra right now is "if I keep at it, sooner or later it's got to work."  

Today, a little mishap caused by my older cat, Pearl, when she fell and knocked over a cup of water I keep in the bathroom next to the vanity for the cats - water ended up under the vanity.  So I got out a towel and dragged the scale out from under the vanity to clean up the mess and when I was done, I thought "Well, it's out and maybe it's a sign that it's time to face the music..."  I held my breath and stepped on it - I'm down 26 lbs from my starting weight!  I was shocked.  It's incredible that I can't see or feel it other than a slight difference in how things are fitting - not that things are "loose", mind you, just different!  Well, that calculates out to 2 lbs a week, which I've always said was about the max I prefer to lose so that it comes off in a healthy way and so maybe my skin can spring back at least a little... I have a long way to go, but at least this gives me hope that I can do it.

Something I won't dwell on for too long - OMG my hip has been KILLING me!  Dr. Corey, my chiropractor, says it appears to be my psoas muscle is shortened and probably spasming.  So I'm trying to do some exercises I found on the internet that are oh-so-painful!  But you know what seems to help even more?  Something I learned from my spiritual guru, Abraham... "Act as if"... in other words, when I get up to walk, I DON'T allow myself to "gimp."  No matter how bad it hurts, walk as if there is no pain.  And if I can consciously do that, the pain is far less!  This came out of an observation that it doesn't bother me as much when I am at work.  I think when I'm home, I'm far too focused on it, which exacerbates it! 

Joe Dispenza tells his story of healing himself from severe spinal injuries with the power of his mind.  He was apparently badly injured in a biking accident and refused surgery that would leave him with permanent chronic pain and instead used his mind, focusing on the "feeling" of being healed and whole - in other words, you get what you focus on or think about.  If all you can see and feel is what IS, you will get more of what IS.  If you can see past what IS at what's possible, tricking your body into feeling what you want, that state of wholeness has to follow.   It's very "heady" stuff that essentially is about the power of the mind.  So it's what I'm trying to focus on.  Seeing myself fit.  Seeing myself pain-free.  Seeing myself with clarity and youth and energy.  

And before I "blog-off" (tee-hee), I wanted to show pics of a dish garden.  Every year for the last few, the DM cactus club has been having a field trip meeting at a very nice nursery in Norwalk called Bedwell's.  We create a dish garden, so I've got 3 now and I just brought the last one in today, snapped some pics as it looks really fabulous.  Here is the whole thing (closeups to follow)...

I couldn't get the top of the tallest plant in the photo, but here is the top with some detail.  This is Senecio crassissimus, commonly known as Vertical Leaf:

It's been out in full sun, thus the red edges.  It's one of the neatest of the Senecios IMO.  Next we have Sedum burrito, the smallest of the Burro's Tail type succulents...

When you have a pot full of this, hanging, it's quite impressive!  Next is Crassula spiralis 'Estangol'...

I'll keep my fingers crossed that it stays this compact through the winter, but it's not likely here.  And last one is Senecio jacobsenii...

A lot of people call this the cascading or hanging Jade, but it's not in the same genus.  It's another one that looks pretty impressive when grown hanging.  All are doing very well.  I will photograph another dish garden next time.

And fall begins?

 Well, we should be seeing some fall weather, but so far, it's been HOT.  Here it is, October 4th (the big "10-4") and it's almost 90 degrees and windy as hell.  But I guess today is the last of it... they're predicting the low 80's tomorrow, then possible storms tomorrow night brining in a cold front that will give us a fall-like high on Monday of the low to mid 60's.  YAY.  I'm tired of heat!  Tomorrow, I will make it a point to get the second east window shut in the greenhouse (I shut the other one a month or so ago when we got cold temps at night...)  Then, if the night temps really go down, I'll shut the south window.  Because the north window is easy to use, I then use that one to open and shut as the weather permits in fall and early spring. The other three are challenging to open and shut, so they get opened when night temps are above 45 and shut when night temps fall below 45.

Today was the last day we will be doing the farmer's market.  There are 2 more weeks of it, but I think it's going to be too cold early in the morning and I just don't care to be freezing my ass off out there!  So I will be giving the last of my "extras" to Michelle.  She runs a plant booth the first week of September at the Holy Cross festival.  I've been giving her plants for the festival for years, and this year I told her that early September is a little too early for me because I'm selling at the farmer's market that goes on for another month.  I asked her if it would be ok if I gave them to her after the festival, and she could winter them over until the next year.  She was fine with that, so now I can give her a lot more.  If she has the room, I think this will really benefit the festival, and it's a lot better for me!  But it's nice to have someone to send my "extras" to because I have trouble finding space for everything in the fall!

I have a lot of catching up to do with posting photos of my most outstanding plants this year.  I spent a lot of time blogging about (or should I say "bitching about") the things that were disrupting my life.  Neighbors, health things... So on to that more fun task!

The Hoya we used to call 'Dee's Big One', now called skinneriana, was one I got from a Florida plant friend quite a long time ago - maybe 20 years or more.  I grew it for a long, long time and when it didn't bloom for me, I got rid of it.  I got another one about 4 years ago in a trade.  It bloomed at long last!  A nice bloom, too...

I have no idea why it's happier than it was before, but I'm not complaining!  There was only the one bloom, but that's ok, too...

Recently, as I was watering plants, I found flowers on a Sinningia I got from Karin, my Plattsmouth plant pal from the cactus club.  This is one of those Sinningias that develops a caudex and it seems a little easier to grow than the fuzzy leaved one I've had in the past.  Here it is...

The leaves are highly textured on S. bullata, and you have to be careful not to let it get too dry or the leaf edges turn crispy.  I hope I can maintain it through the winter - you have to be cautious about giving too much water to caudex plants in the winter or the caudex can rot.  But I can always cut it all back in spring if I do end up with crispy leaves in the winter months...

I enjoyed the unusual flowers on two different weird plants recently.  First was Cynanchum marnieranum.  Many Cynanchums are strangely leafless plants with long hanging stems and are grown mostly for their weird flowers.  I've been reading about some that have leaves, and I think I'm going to go on a hunt for some of those to grow.  Anyway, here's the weird flower of marieranum...

And just so there's no doubt that I love weird, here are the flowers of Ceropegia ampliata...

The smaller one has yet to "open"...But the bigger one is about 2.5" long to give you an idea of the size.  Ceropegias are some of the most other-worldly flowers I've personally grown.  Everyone seems to know of the one they call string of hearts, C. wooddii.  A photo of its flowers:

This photo is from the web... I grow it, but I don't seem to have any of my own pics of the flowers, probably because it's so common and flowers so profusely that I haven't bothered... But I think everyone has grown this one at one time or the other.  Probably my favorite Ceropegia flower is C. radicans...

They call them "parachute" flowers and I think this one illustrates that name best of all!

My Haworthias came in looking like a million bucks this year!  Which proves, in my head, that you really can't get "too much" rain.  C&S folks would have you believe that too much rain will rot your plants, so you should cover them at a certain point.  I don't, never have, and at the end of a particularly rainy summer, they always look great!  Not that I haven't had losses due to rot.  It happens now and then.  If I kept plants soaked with tap water, they would surely rot. So there is definitely something different about rainwater. Whatever it is, the plants absolutely thrive in rainy summers!

So back to my Haworthias.  I'm going to how some photos - I have around 40 or 45 (36 according to my database, but there are several lumped into one species because I'm a sucker for every variant of that species!)  So here are the ones that really knock my socks off!...

First, here are some of the maughanii and truncata and hybrids of those two species that I can't pass up:

They hybridize these like crazy and 15 years ago, they would sell pups for a ridiculous price, some over $500!  The great thing about Haworthias is that they stay relatively small, they grow slowly and they're perfectly happy on a north, east or west window sill.  In habitat, they grow in shady spots, so they don't need lots of light to thrive.  There is nothing interesting about their flowers and they are all exactly the same - they shoot up a tall flower spike and little white flowers open along the top of the spike.  Many growers pull the flower stalks to force the plant to put it's energy into the plant itself rather than flowering.

Other Haworthia that are looking awesome... H. emelyae comptoniana:

H. reticulata v. hurlingii:

You can't tell from the photo that this is one of the tiny Haworthias - that pot is at most a 2.5" pot!  And we have H.pygmaea 'Love Heart':

H. cooperi - I grew this one for years but I think I lost mine in that bad hail storm a couple years ago, so I just got a new one:

A nicely variegated one - it didn't come with a name, but I think it's a form of H. cymbiformis:

One with a lost tag, but I'm pretty sure it's a form of H. emelyae, and maybe even another clone of emelyae comptoniana - there are a lot of them with slight differences:

This is a particularly interesting one... H. magnifica atrofusca.  The leaves grow in a less symetrical way than most Haworthias, but it's the pink tones that make it particularly beautiful!:

This MAY be a splendens hybrid:

And that's all I'm doing today.  My back is screaming at me so it's time to go ice!  More next time!

 

 

Reflection and other stuff...

 As I drive, which is what I do two days a week for Enterprise, I often find my mind wandering about, from "what do I need to get done this weekend" to "where did the time go?"... which leads to (mostly) fond past memories.

One that specifically came to mind a couple days ago was the amusing way I met a guy I dated very briefly in high school.  My parents divorced in the summer of 1984, which was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years.  We ended up moving to Harlan, Iowa, which was about 50 miles from the farm where I grew up. We lived across the street from the city pool, so I spent a lot of time there that summer.  The house we rented went up for sale and within a couple months, we had to move and found another house right down the street.  Fall came and I started school, and one day I walked up to the pool just to get out of the house (teenager angst, I suppose!) and just sat on the bleachers, taking in the nice day and probably ruminating about teenage things.  (I was just a month or so short of 16...) There was a boy riding a bicycle around the gravel parking lot and after a while, a Mustang pulled in the parking lot and stopped.  The boy on the bike rode up to the car and I could hear him chatting with the guy in the car, though I couldn't hear the content of the conversation.

After a few minutes, the boy came over and got off his bike, came up the bleachers (I was sitting at the top) and said, "The guy in the car asked me to find out your name."  Cute, I thought... he must be shy.  I told the kid my name and he ran down, hopped back on his bike and rode over to the car.  A minute later, he rode back over and sat on his bike at the bottom of the bleachers and said, "He wanted me to ask what your real name is?"  I had no idea what he meant.  I just said, exasperated, "That IS my real name!"  And off he went to report back.

The Mustang pulled closer and the guy got out.  He was tall and cute with a mop of curly light brown hair, and he made his way up the bleachers and sat down next to me.  I don't remember exactly how he said it, but it was something like, "I'd really like to know your real name."  I just remember feeling really confused.

As it turned out, he had just broken up with a girl named "Denise".  They had been dating a long time, and everyone knew them as a couple, and he thought I was screwing with him when I told him my name.  I explained that I was new in town and I had no idea who this other "Denise" was (she was either one or two grades ahead of me...) and yes, it was my "real" name!

His name was Don and we started "dating", though I use that word very loosely since my mother never really allowed us to "go out".  He had graduated from HS that spring, so he was 3 years older than me and she kept a tight rein on our relationship.  He spent a lot of time at our house and we would ride around in his Mustang.  He was a great kisser - he told me he learned that from the "other Denise".  LOL!  

Well, it was a short-lived relationship.  I think as soon as the other Denise heard he was "dating", she set out to get him back.  And one day, probably 6 or 8 weeks into seeing him, he came by and I hopped in his car in the driveway.  He said she had left a mixed tape (remember those?) in his car with all these love songs and, well, he decided to give it another shot with her.  I was a little hurt, but I didn't show it and told him, "Sure, I understand."  And I gingerly got out of his car, waved "goodbye" and walked in the house, not looking sad, not looking back.  Of course, I spent a minute or so crying in my room, but in all honesty, I didn't have time to get really attached to him.  Of course, one always misses a cute boy, and we did have some fun.  He was into stock car races and even helped on a pit crew, and that was one place my mom would let us go, so I have some fond memories from that time.  

It feels like two lifetimes ago!  I have so many fun memories of that time.  We had grown up on a farm, living a very sheltered life, and I was discovering that life in town, having contact with more people, was far more interesting!  I had been in a very rural school where most of us were farm kids, and I only had a couple real friends.  Since I'd grown up with them, I had never really learned how to make friends and it was a little tough for me as I was somewhat shy.  But a girl named Tracey was kind enough to befriend me and kind of help me navigate the bigger school and introduced me to a few classmates.  Though we didn't really become buddies, Tracey was really instrumental in helping me adjust to the new environment and I was grateful.  She was more the studious academic type and I never really liked school.  So it really wasn't in the cards for us to be pals, but I found others that were more like me - just trying to get through to graduation and get on with life.

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I started the above on 8/22 then got sidetracked.  Probably bringing in plants.  I usually start with the lower-light plants in late August, mostly Haworthias.  I've got most of them in now and need to start on another group, BUT...

Yesterday was Saturday and I was at the Farmer's Market.  I'd gotten my plants unloaded and was going back to the car to park it out across the road and I was distracted and didn't see the curb and took a dive into the parking lot.  Went down on my right arm and got a little "road rash", my right knee and skinned it good.  And I twisted my left foot.  A few people came and helped me up - it was so embarrassing.  Not so much the fall - that happens.  But at my weight and with my joint pain, I can't get up on my own without something (like a chair) in front of me, and it was embarrassing to have people have to help me up.  I said, "It's ok, I'm ok!", dusted myself off and moved my car.  Walked back to our table and arranged my plants and then sat down.  Once I sat down, I started to feel the pain in my foot and I knew pretty quickly that I wasn't going to be able to put much weight on that foot.  Karin, the friend that lives there in Plattsmouth, had her husband bring me a set of crutches.  At the end, they helped me load up (which isn't much, thankfully...) and I managed to get home and in the house.  Oh, did it hurt all day.  And it wasn't much better this morning.  I suppose it's going to take a few days to get better.  But I also have some back pain, which doesn't surprise me, and a spot on my right hand (thumb joint) that's tender.  I guess I'm lucky it wasn't worse...

But being alone, I can't stay off the foot.  I have to eat.  I have to use the bathroom.  But honestly, if Mark was here, he'd be doing his think the basement and I'd pretty much be on my own anyway, so in reality, it's probably not much different than if would have been 5 years ago.  But maybe at least he could have gone and gotten dinner so I didn't have to spend time putting something together to eat.  Well, at least peanut butter toast is eay!

A lot has happened in the last few weeks.  I've got a BP cuff setup that transmits my BP daily to my doctor.  I've been using that a few days.  I decided I need to do whatever it takes to lose weight to fix all that ails me.  I've apparently reached the A1C that makes me diabetic instead of pre-diabetic.  My joints hurt.  If I get enough weight off, it could potentially reverse the diabetes and, obviously, my joints would not hurt as much.  And my BP would probably come down.  So I've been back on WeightWatchers again.  And I went to a Nurse Practitioner down in Plattsmouth who specializes in hormone therapy.  (Merry & Rick go to her.)  She says with my metabolic issues, I could diet until the cows come home and I won't lose any weight!  So she convinced me to go on Ozempic, which she said is actually easier on the kidneys than the Metformin I've taken for several years.  So I'm on the low starter dose for a month - it's a once a week injection, which is why I avoided it for so long.  But the "needle" (I'm calling it the "pricker" 'cuz it sounds less scary!) is so tiny, I didn't even feel it.  I take my second dose tomorrow, which will be my first time doing it by myself.  I hope I don't forget a step!

So I'm hopefully on the road to a healthier me.  Not that I've ever considered myself "unhealthy", but it has been a disconcerting few months and I really want to get back to feeling good again.

Oh, and tonight, I go to the sleep clinic overnight and they fit me for a c-pap.  It was determined that I have "moderate" sleep apnea - I learned this in my pursuit to find out why I've felt so tired and lethargic.  Doc first tested my thyroid, then had me do a home sleep study.  I was shocked when they said I have sleep apnea.  And I dread the idea of having to wear one of those contraptions, but I've talked to a lot of people who use them and I have yet to have someone say they hate it.  Most say they can't live without it.  One guy I work with actually bought a small generator so he can still use it if the electricity goes off!  A cactus club friend said her husband was shocked the very first night at how well he slept - had no idea he wasn't sleeping well until he got it.  And I've read a lot about it and apparently a lot of issues can be traced back to sleep apnea, like lethargy, brain fog, early dementia.  I even read one study that says your face changes as your body starts getting better sleep - less bags under the eyes, skin tightens, color returns, skin looks less aged.  Apparently, oxygen levels drop way down and having mor oxygenated blood keeps us younger longer.  I'm all for that!

Last weekend was the Des Moines club's show & sale... well, actually, now we call it a "display" and sale, because it's not a judged show.  Members bring a few of their best plants and we have a display table for the public to ogle.  Then we had 2 vendors - one we get every year from Oklahoma, Chaos Cactus, and a local greenhouse/nursery, Bedwell's.  Chaos has a nice variety of not-so-common stuff.  Bedwell's is more of the common stuff, but they specialize in artistic and interesting dish gardens.  They plant in all kinds of interesting things like old shoes, a football, fancy serving dishes, hollowed out drift wood... things you would never think of often times.  Oh, one good one was an empty can of peas with one of the plants the string of pearls, which look like peas!  Cute.  And then club members sold plants as well, and we have a member who like to make weird pottery.  Very expensive weird pottery!  

I rented a car to drive over, but it turned out to be a shitty car. First, it wasn't a nice SUV like I wanted - it was a compact SUV.  I could deal with that, but then the cruise control wasn't working right.  I set it on 74 and it would fall back to 68 and go up to 77 - it drove me nuts, so when I came back Saturday, I turned it in and drove my own car on Sunday.  

Well, since I'm moving so slow, I should probably get started on my prep to go to the sleep study.  I need to be there by 8:00 - that's going to be a long, boring night.  I doubt I sleep much - it's why I don't travel.  I just don't feel comfortable when I get out of my environment.  Oh well, tomorrow is a holiday and I'll take a couple naps!  

And speaking of the holiday, it was Labor Day FOUR YEARS AGO that Mark died.  I can't hardly believe it's been that long!  Of course, Labor Day in 2021 was on the 6th.  That's the weird thing about losing someone on a holiday like this one, that falls on a different date each year.  You actually have TWO days that "feel" like the "death-iversary".  It's something I had never thought of until it happened to me...